My Goals Revisited.

On Friday, May 27, 2011 I posted a blog about my 2 Year Plan. It's almost 8 months later. This is where I am. And it's cooler than I thought!

Education:

My goal was to graduate in 2 years. As of right now, I'm still on schedule. One minor setback with my internship but I think I can work it out and not be in too much trouble. I am down to 1.5 years. And I'm totally ok with a slight extension if it's just to get that damn internship done.

Career:

Still working on what I want to do, but I am now exploring the idea of getting my Psy D. I'll have to think, long, hard, and deeply about this one. GAH!

Weight loss:

Kind of a failure here...yet not. My weight hasn't really gone up. It's fluctuated over the last year between 219 and 224 over and over again, typically in time to my cycles. So, meh...I haven't lost, but I haven't really gained. The truly odd thing is, that lately, my clothes are looser in some areas, and people that haven't seen me in awhile think I've lost weight. Which is crazy to me...but cool none-the-less.

Personal:

This area I'm never too sure of. It still hurts that Ryan won't say I love you. I've felt pretty far away from him for the last few months and wish he would talk to me about how he feels. He's apparently terrified of this though. But, our relationship is symbiotic...which is ok for now. We slowly but surely get better in some areas and lag behind in others. I hope we can pull it back together a little more nicely, but for now I am content(ish).

I honestly thought, when I read back through my blogs that this blog would be horrendously sad to revisit, but it wasn't. I have made progress in some areas, even if it has been small.

I will add one more goal this year:

Financial: I would like to be debt free (other than school loans) 1.5 years from now. It's gonna be rough but I have some faith in myself right now, believe it or not!

Well...now what?

After sticking to the slow carb diet for two weeks and seeing NO results (minus some water weight and headaches) I decided that it wasn't for me.
I think with most diets, people find themselves being successful because they were so out of control before they started the diet. I'm typically always in control. I feel that the few times I do lose control in a week should not be so detrimental that I stay where I am, slowly creeping up each year. I'm frustrated as hell. So I'm done with it. With the whole damn thing.
I'm returning to older habits. Not bad habits, necessarily, just old ones. I've come to the conclusion that its all bs. If I want to lose weight I need to change my mental attitude and I need to stop giving such a crap about what I'm eating. There is something to be said for eating when you're hungry and not when your just sad. There is something to be said for not giving food such a place of high importance in my life.
I recently finished reading the book, Nice Girls Finish Fat. It was an eye opener for me. I found myself in every chapter and I fully see the negative impact being kind has had on my life. Now I'm just angry. I'm so fucking angry. I'm disappointed in my friends and my partner. I'm irritated with some aspects of my family. I'm annoyed as hell with myself and the choices I've made. I just want to go hide somewhere for awhile. Not be around anyone. But, I have work and school obligations. I don't want to lose my friends even if I'm as annoyed as hell with some of them. I don't particularly want to be single (though that card seems to be playing itself out). Does someone have a hardwood floored closet I can stay in? Just me, my laptop and my dog? Maybe I mini fridge so I don't starve? Haha. I've been starving for a long time. Not for food, but for love and acknowledgement. Food became the replacement. And I attempted to control it and found myself having anxiety attacks over calorie counting.
So, like I said, I'm done. Done with this "healthy" crap. The number one fuck up for me is when I'm attempting to keep within my calorie range by eating food that I don't even really like and then having a meltdown and eating what I'm "not supposed to". Screw that. Food isn't supposed to be fun. It's fuel and nothing more. I'm apparently pretty damn lazy so I really don't need much. So, that's what I have to say. Since no one reads my stupid blog it doesn't matter what the hell I say anyway.

Day 1 of slow carb diet

Well, I did great until I got home. Ate 2 cups of watermelon. I didn't want to waste it and there was no room for it in the fridge. I can have as much fruit as I want on saturdays and when I get to my goal I can add fruit back in without too many issues. The diet isn't meant to be fun. Its meant to be effective and I will continue to remind myself of this. Totally not hungry today. Forced myself to eat dinner. Super tired, but it was a long day. Here's to starting fresh tomorrow...

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Am I a failure?

I've seen no weightloss. Nothing. But today I don't care that much. I just want to try again. Find something that works for me. Stop having this consume my whole life.
I tried cheat to lose. My aunt lost almost 30 lbs. I didn't lose anything. I just had headaches all the time from carb withdrawal. I had no energy. I missed eating fruit and never got the no fat thing down on high GI days.
Isn't the whole point to find something sustainable for me, long term?
School starts soon and I'm ordering a new book with my school books. It might be bullshit. It certainly sounds like it is. But nothing else works for me. I've calorie counted and been told I'm in starvation mode. I've upped my calories and thusly gained weight. I tried Jenny Craig, weightwatchers, excercising more, following the food pyramid, vegetarian, I can't even go on anymore with this crap.
So next book is the last book. After that, I'm just sticking to my "healthy" eating habits of lots of fruits and veggies, plenty of protein, limiting my refined carbs, and I'm going to do activities I enjoy, like swimming, and going for walks with my puppy. (I'm really looking forward to her getting big enough to actually complete a mile or two, she's only 12 weeks old!) After that, my body can be damned. I just dont understand. I'm smart. I'm reading labels and following directions. Either I have to go at 800 calories or something is seriously wrong. For now, I say fuck it. On with the rest of my life.

Tela!

My partner and I just adopted a 9 week old golden retriever. We named her Tela. That said, life with her has been interesting. She's gotten much more adventurous (sp?)and naughtier as she grows accustomed to us and learns the rules of the household. She's a good girl though and usually comes when called if she isn't feeling lazy. I haven't had as much time to hit the gym since we got her on friday. We were going around 5 days a week for the last month otherwise. Now I spend my time teaching her commands and how to play nicely when I'm not at work. My cheat to lose diet hasn't been going real great because my attempts at frugality and overly busy schedule means I'm eating on the run and eating things I technically shouldn't. But my aunt is 22lbs down and feeling pretty great. The low carb part of the diet leaves me with very nasty headaches. I'm annoyed with food. I could take it or leave it. Whatever. I'll get back on track. And once Tela is bigger she'll be getting nice long walks with me...
I have a new video. Just haven't posted yet. Stay tuned!

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week 2 of cheat to lose

So, it's been almost a full two weeks. I have one day left of the 2nd week of the priming phase of cheat to lose. The first week I had a headache for two days while I completely avoided carbs. The lack of carbs made me a little crazy. It was like PMS for the last few days. Then week two I added fruit back in. Super exciting for me. I continued avoiding most processed grain type things. One high fiber wrap a day. But it seemed like this adding in of one wrap had me breaking my resolve. And we wont even get into the pizza party mishap 3 days ago. Next week I add whole grain carbs back in while severely limiting fat intake. Should be interesting. I plan on eating whole wheat spaghetti all week. Haha.
So how'd the weight do? Well I started the diet at 224.6. By the end of the first week I was down to 220.0. So 4.6lb weightloss. But they warned me on week two the scale would creep back up a little but that i'd continue to lose inches and fat. My weight this morning is at 221.4. So i'm not panicing yet. The book warned me of this. I also have another secret weapon.
I've really been trying my best to stick to working out. This past week I went swimming 6 times, played tennis, went hiking, went for a walk, worked out on elliptical.
So there's my little update. I'll try to do a video someday soon.

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As usual...frustrated!

It's been a long annoying day at work. I've been reading my aunt's book called "The Cheat to Lose Diet" and I'm at once irritated and interested. The book explains an odd phenomena that I have experienced multiple times. Often when I'm sticking to my diet I see no result for several weeks and then I have a day where I eat terribly and suddenly my body drops 3-5lbs. This phenomena pisses me off and the book explains that it has to do with a hormone called leptin. Basically our bodies have an abundance of the hormone but like those who are insulin resistant, our bodies don't recognize it readily. The cheat to lose diet is supposed to re-tune our bodies to acknowledging and using this hormone. But I'm frustrated with this whole approach because I'm already looking at some recipes and knowing I won't be able to work them into my everyday diet easily. I also know that it's going to be annoying as hell doing the low carb phase...really any phase that doesn't allow me to eat fruit. I eat really healthy according to the food pyramid. My boyfriend says as much...but he also let me know that I eat A LOT. Which basically makes me go FUCK YOU to everything. I go from not wanting to eat anything to eating everything in sight, all because of emotions I'm trying to contain. I got so stressed out at work today that I ended up throwing up the little bullshit I did eat today. My weight isn't budging and my aunt says I need a shock to my system to kick start it into weight loss. This makes some sense, but why does my healthy-ish eating habits have to NOT help me.
I don't particularly want to do this diet, because I'm worried that the 3 week prep phase is going to be a waste of time and I don't want to waste 3 weeks. I also don't want to sit and count carbs and make out menus for myself that won't allow me the flexibility that I have with eating lots of fruit and snacky things as I run around like a moron at work. I can't even type right now. But there's your tiny update.

Frozen.

We got back from another little jaunt on Phish Tour and hit up SuperBall IX. We drove all the way to New York. My salt intake when on the road is astronomical. I never allow myself any Doritos while at home but on vacation they become a free for all. I ate 14 servings over 4 days. We ate a little better than we have in the past, but all the drinks we had were calorie heavy (beer, capt. and coke, orange juice)and it was just hard for me to keep tab on the calories consumed. We're always walking and dancing on the festival days so I don't get why I gain so much. I always lose like 5 lbs in the first few days after getting home though. So, I'm not going to freak out or even post weight right now.
I am feeling a little frozen at the moment about what to do next. My problem is this: I've never been able to lose weight on any diet. The closest thing to a diet that I stuck to and was successful at was falling in love or breaking up with someone.
I looked a little closer at my behavior and eating habits during those times and this is what I have to say.
While I understand that "science" dictates that we must have at least 1200 calories a day to survive and be healthy and that dipping below this amount will make us go into "starvation mode" I'm beginning to not give a f*ck what "science" says. I've decided to go with what my body says. Not my brain. Not these stupid diets. Not my emotions or anything else.
What did I eat on a typical day where I was losing weight? What was my behavior? How did I feel?
I remember. The first time I lost a significant amount of weight my food intake on any given day was...no breakfast. bag of doritos and gushers for lunch, or no lunch, and a whopper jr and a salad or chicken, rice and veggies for dinner. I ate one serving of meat, 2-3 of veggies and 1 serving of carbs at dinner. I didn't snack, unless it was on an apple around 3pm when I got home from school.
The 2nd time I lost weight I remember one day under lock down where I ate nothing for breakfast, half an egg salad sandwich for lunch and a small dinner...perhaps no dinner at all. I had no appetite. I ate when my stomach really wanted food. I stopped eating when my stomach said, ok, I'm done complaining now. Sometimes I ignored my stomach completely. After about 30 min the growling and grumbling would stop.
There was a lot going on at these times in my life. Behaviorally I was too caught up in other things to care about food a whole lot. What I ate was in the back of my mind and the weightloss made me happy and motivated me to continue on with my habits. However, it didn't preoccupy my mind at any time other than dinner time. I only began to backslide when I'd start to think about food and weightloss and start obsessing over the scale. I'd get on like 3x a day. Possibly more. Eventually the mind set I had would go away. Either I'd become comfortable with a man and gain, or I'd heal from the pain of my break up with that man and begin to put weight on again.
I was happy the first time I lost weight. I had my first job and was always busy and moving and I had school from 8am until 3pm. Men began noticing me and I loved the attention. So eating and obsessing stepped away for awhile.
The 2nd time I was sad from losing my boyfriend. He broke up with me and I just didn't want to eat. I couldn't sleep. I was an absolute mess. I was always pacing then though, and again, food and the scale weren't my primary concerns. They were in the background and what was most important was trying to find a way back in with him.
I remember this odd "buzzy" feeling from those times. An energy that was in-containable and not unlike the feeling I get when I've had too much caffeine but haven't hit the sick stage yet. It was natural for much of it though. I used caffeine occasionally but not nearly as often as people think.
So the question is, how do I get to that point for me?
The second time isn't really doable. I can't have my boyfriend and I break up for the sake of weightloss. He's a big part of the reason I want to lose weight. So, I need to go back to the first time. I remember constantly thinking "Would Ed want a girl that ate that food?" "Would Mike want to be with a fat girl?" "Nope." So I would walk away from whatever food was tempting me. I would find something to do to distract me from food. I drew. I went for a walk. I hung out with friends. I designed clothing. I worked. I did homework. I talked to people on the phone and paced around. My schedule was also pretty regimented. I got up at 6:30am and went to bed between 11pm and 2am. I slept late on the weekends. I was typically busy from the time I woke up in the am until I went to bed at night.
I need to recapture this. I need to not care about food and the scale so much. I'll probably post more later. Right now I suddenly feel that I have a lot to do.

WTF body?!

This is crazy! In my last post I explained my freak out about gaining weight while on tour, following Phish. When I got home monday night I was at 231 lbs. The next morning on tuesday I went down to 228. Today I'm at 224. I ate around 1800 calories yesterday and decided I was way too tired to exercise. So what's so weird about this? I had to get up 3x during the night to use the bathroom. I almost never have to use the bathroom at night! I never have to "go" more than 3x a day...let alone 6x. It's just bizarre. But I'm happy that I back to my previous tour weight. If I can get back down to 214 before we leave for SuperBall 9, things should be pretty ok.

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Vacation Setback

This past week, my partner and I followed Phish around the east coast for the first leg of summer tour. We stayed with his best friend and met lots of cool people and saw some great shows. Last year when I went on Phish tour I gained exactly ten pounds. I had a hell of a time trying to get it off. The best I could do was get down to 216 for a few days. Then my weight would creep back up to a "resting weight" of 218-219. Last year was about as perplexing to me as this year is. We walked everywhere, because we didn't have a car. We danced at the shows for a couple of hours each show day. We also went nuts in the food department. We had to go out to eat nearly everyday. Either buying meals from people on lot, selling their wares, or going out to local restaurants and trying places we wouldn't see back home in the mid-west. Somehow, for me the equation is completely screwed up.
Last night when I got home my weight was at 231. This is the highest number I've ever seen on the scale. I thought I could deal with it, but as soon as I got into bed I started to cry. I just don't understand why this has to be this hard for me. My partner did his best to console me. He actually lost a pound or two on tour. We were about equally active, and he ate as much as I did most days, sometimes more. We had one day where we didn't get to eat for nearly 24 hours because of an issue with transportation.
Yesterday, he and I went all out with the food because we vowed that when we got home we would start exercising everyday until the next time we leave for vacation. We also planned to eat healthy meals together.
This morning my weight is at 228. Exactly a ten pound gain again. I feel it too. My back hurts, my stretch marks that were faded seem to show more. My legs and feet look puffy to me. My arms look terrible. It all just hurts horribly.
I read an article on the plane ride home. It said that most heavy women are pleasers and we eat more than we should to console ourselves because we feel the world is constantly insulting us, taking advantage of us. The article really hit home for me. This tour wasn't an easy one. My partner and I had basically no alone time because we stayed with his best friend. I had so much fun, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I spend nearly every vacation watching out for, and taking care of my partner. This vacation it was basically doubled. So I spent all day trying to be charming and pleasing to all these people I met and take care of "the boys" as I began to call them, and when it came time to eat, I ate. I also didn't stop myself from buying any candy I wanted. I snacked on it constantly. M&M's, Twizzlers, Fruit Snacks, Starburst. I didn't really care much about my meals either. I'd order salad, but was NOT careful. I'd eat whole portions because: a. I deserved it. b. I was hungry. and c. because I had no where to save the food for later. I'm not one to like to throw things away.
Anyway, I'm taking a little hiatus from here. This setback has been crushing to me. I'm so sad and there is no way to take this feeling away at the moment. I'll be back soon enough.

Memorial Day 5/30/2011

Everything seems to irritate the hell out of me lately. I haven't been sticking to my diet lately as well as I'd like to. I haven't been posting to my calorie counter as regularly. Little things mess me up each day. I feel closer to my partner than ever before, most of the time. But, like most men, he finds himself perplexed by my emotions. When I complain about my weight he says, "Well, if you'd do exactly as I say, you'd lose weight." He never gives me any exact steps though. He says to work out more and eat less. The sad thing is that when I do try to work out more, he isn't there to talk to. I really crave a female companion to talk with while I walk or swim or whatever. I have my elliptical now, but it's been very warm in the house the last few days and I've been working more hours lately than is normal for me. I'm tired. I'm eating at the wrong times. I kinda stopped with my atkins breakfast shake thing because I got a little bored. Now I'm messed up again. I woke up this morning at a weight of 219.6. Not horrendously bad considering I was up to 222.2. I just always seem to lose sight of my goal at the most inopportune times.

I'm lonely I think. While I've made some decent friends, people have gotten a little busy again. The people I spend the most time with have been gone to a music festival the last 3 days, which is about how long I've been screwing up my diet and not exercising. It's also exactly how long it takes for me to somehow put back on weight that I lost over a day. This time, I don't think I'm at that point, which is good, I think. I think that I've caught myself a little earlier. But things are strange and I just want to cry today. I'm also extremely thirsty because it was VERY warm today. Got up to 91 for the first time this year. I feel sticky and nasty. Tired of course. Mostly lonely. I could text Sara and see if she wants to go for a walk but I don't want to bother her since she just got back. I could bother Liz. However, she's been kinda down lately too, and I'm not sure I can handle the stress. Though, it seems those situations are where I excel. Tomorrow's another day and a more typical one. I'll pack my food correctly again and go to the gym after work. I should try to figure out a cheat day. It seems like if I have one, it turns into 3 or more though. Some people just can't work well with them.

I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out calories when someone else cooks or if I get food somewhere and can't really measure what I'm getting. The worst is when a "serving" is 800+ calories, or a serving ends up being too small to fill me up somewhere fast like Taco Bell. I can sometimes get by making the "healthy" choice, but more often than not, I'm still hungry afterwards and I don't know how to fix that. I'll keep trying though. Wish me luck!

Goals: The Two Year Plan

While some of these goals I'm writing up here are not weightloss oriented, they all tie in to me becoming the person I want to be. I have a two year plan in mind and each goal will be broken down to reflect some timeline and sub-goals that I have. Each goal relates to a different area of my life that I constantly am working on and have not yet completed.

Education
I want to finish my bachelors degree in two years. I just did the math and this looks like it is completely do-able.
I have 35 credits left to complete, so to break it down:
Semester 1: Fall 2011 12 Credits (3 English 9 Human Services)
Semester 2: Spring 2012 12 Credits (12 Human Services)
Semester 3: Fall 2012 13 Credits (4 Human Anatomy, 3 Psych Stats, 6 Human Services)
Semester 4: Spring 2013 12 Credits (12 Human Services)

I want to meet up with my advisor to see if this will work at a two year plan. Semesters 2 and 3 may need a little tweaking and I need to double check that I can attend both online and in person for one semester because Human Anatomy must be taken in person. Unfortunate, but oh well.

Career
After I graduate, I'm hoping my experience at ThedaCare and at Agape as well as the internship I have to complete will open the door to a slightly more lucrative career. I'm not looking to be rich but 35,000 to 45,000 would be preferable, without the overtime I currently work to make about 32,000 a year between two jobs. I'm still not positive of what I want to do, and I may find that when I graduate I will need to either continue on and get my Masters Degree, or do some Tech College. I anticipate either moving up in Agape (not hugely likely) or taking on more skilled work with ThedaCare in their business offices here in Appleton. I have a bit of an interest in IT so I may look towards that, but I also could see myself doing other things.
However, part of me doesn't want to stay in healthcare. I just am not completely sure what else is out there with the type of background I have.

Weightloss and Fitness
I've written this so many times, in so many journals. It hurts sometimes to look back at them. But here it is again.
I want to get down to around 163lbs. This is below my High School weight and hopefully allow me to keep some curves. The big question has always been, "How will I get there?" I'm still figuring that out. I can say that I'm following my diet much more closely the last week and it hasn't been as difficult as it has been in the past. I'm down about 3 lbs from my high weight of this month of 222. I've drastically increased my exercise, and don't plan on stopping. I've gone swimming 3 times in the last 3 days and greatly enjoyed it. Day 2 I was very sore but day 3 I felt pretty damn good. I also have an app on my phone to work on strength and help me tone up. I skipped that workout yesterday due to extreme soreness, but I will start again today and hopefully make it to the gym again. If not, I have an elliptical and places to walk to for exercise. I'm taking the approach at this point of "every little bit counts" and I'm doing my best to stay at the calorie limits that my phone app makes for me. I've been doing well, but its a slow process and if I get myself off track it can set me behind for a very long time with how slow the process is. So, heres the plan to cover that:
Every week on my weigh in I will make a video that will go on youtube and I will highlight in that video where I'm losing steam and I will engage my audience to answer some questions. Specifically, I will talk about how my workouts are going, or not going, and I will talk about how my eating is going and not going and they will critique me. I know that some of my followers will comment and I think this will be tremedously helpful at keeping me on track.
I just hope Ryan continues to help by going to the gym with me.

Personal
My last goal is very personal. So pretend in a small voice that I say this: I hope that in two years, my partner will know what he wants from this and I will either have a firm commitment from him (cough, cough) or I will make the choice to leave and find what I really want. This one depends a lot on the two of us, not just me, so who knows how this one will go. But I'm excited about the prospect.

My last goal has a small amounnt to do with the "personal" goal. I'd like to work on the house my partner just bought. Put in new floors, set up some shelving in the Living Room. Get a new bedroom set. Set up our exercise room. It's a lot. The next two years are going to be NUTS! I'm excited about them though.

But for now, here's to the summer (an active one) and a vacation from thinking about some of these things (other than weightloss and personal, haha!)

Swimming

I've gone swimming the last two days at the pool. My legs are sore, I'm breathing heavily throughout most of my time in the pool, and I always come out red faced. My boyfriend informed me tonight that he doesn't want to go swimming because he feels that it's something children do: go play in the pool. He says he's going to the gym to lose weight, not act like a little kid. I'm so effing pissed I could break something. I slammed the door on my way in, partially out of anger, partially because I had my gym bag, a huge purse and the food we brought home for dinner on me and couldn't as easily shut the door. He informed me that I don't own this house and I can get out if I'm going to slam things. I feel like a fricken two year old for losing my temper, but he's so condescending about my weight and everything else I do to try and lose weight. He hates my vlog on youtube. He constantly goes on about how he only cares about fat and sodium and my calorie counting is stupid. I don't think I'm stupid. I think I'm predisposed to having a lower metabolism and I have poor eating habits, typically brought on by feeling unworthy or bored. Anyway, cheers to another day at the gym and sticking to my calories. Hoping to finish the rest of my workout shortly.

I don't know, anymore.

So, great start it seemed, but its been 10 days. I went out for my partner's birthday and somehow I'm at 222.2. I'm incredibly unhappy.

Quick Update

So far, so good...I've stuck to the diet part and stuck to the exercise part. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but it's also not as hard as I like to make it out to be.

Today is a little odd. I've been awake since 11:30am YESTERDAY. I won't get much sleep and I'm not sure how to count my calories for tomorrow. I decided to write in the snack I had at 2am as part of today's calories rather than yesterdays calories. I'm not sure how I'm going to get exercise in today, but Friday is one day away, and I'm doing another video with an update on my current weight. I don't think I'll have lost much, but I think it'll be at least a lb from the 218.2 I have posted on myfitnesspal. I think I could be trying just a tiny bit harder too, but maybe I should hold back just a little so I don't burn out like I did a month ago. Hope this whole bloody thing works. I want to be at my goal in like 6 months. 165 lbs in 6 months. That's a 53 lb weightloss. I think if I write enough and post enough and talk about this enough and continue seeking out activity, this should go well...please?

Exercise and the NEW! Plan

My brain is FREAKING out! Their are a million things I want to do and a million ideas skimming through my head. I just bought two things that I plan to try for the next week.

1. Atkins Shakes - I'm hoping these will keep me semi-full because I want to use them for breakfast and for lunch, but I plan to incorporate lots of healthy snacks and plenty of fluids to keep me hydrated for the next week while I try them out.

2. FULLbars - I've heard these are amazing at keeping your stomach full. I'm not sure they're going to work but I just bought one box. I plan to use them in place of a shake on some days for lunch.

So the next thing I need to do is write up my actual meal plan. I want to make sure I'm getting enough nutrition for each day. I'm going to be working out at least 5 days a week.

I did great today with working out. I went on the elliptical for one 30 min show. I did 3 sets of pushups and 3 sets of situps. I helped move a rather heavy swing today. I also went for a walk with some friends up and down some hills. It's 3:20am right now and I still need to hammer out my menu and exercise plan. I have a vague idea of what I want to do, but I need to have a full plan written up to make sure I don't screw up my metabolism. I also want to make sure I don't get sick or get weak with all the exercise I'm planning to incorporate. Wish me luck.

Youtube videos

I posted a new video on youtube. It's been over a month since my last one and it kinda sucked putting it up, but, I have new motivation. I had a few messages and some new watchers and commentators that wanted to know what happened, where I disappeared to. So I gave the audience what they wanted. I am going to continue working out and doing what I'm supposed to to hit my goal by the end of the year. When I was first doing my videos, I actually stuck to my plans because I felt accountable...but I started pushing off video weigh ins and just kinda lost track of what I was doing with everything going on. Excuses, excuses. I'm getting back on track, and I think life will go much easier now that I feel inspired and have a new plan. Check it out if you like!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qecJfvmVPZM

I got it!

I got it! I got my elliptical! And I set up the tv in the livingroom for some much needed zoning out while I get my workout(s) on. You might think I'm crazy but I can honestly see myself getting on that bugger before and after work! I've been fantasizing about it for weeks looking for one I can afford. It's here!

I Began! And the Elliptical Plan

I spoke with my partner about how he made me feel and it seems this small step of empowerment helped with my motivation to start watching my diet again. I'm still not 100% perfect with my logging but I'm so much closer to 100% compliance that I've already lost 3 lbs. Mostly just water-weight I'm sure from all the salt and junk I was eating, but my back and hip feel much better.

I've also figured out a way to get myself back into my exercise habit. I'm going to suck it up and buy my own elliptical. I thought buying a treadmill for me and my partner was enough, but he's always working on homework and I don't want to make noise and run in front of him in his office where we keep the huge blasted machine. Everytime I go to the gym and don't hop in the pool I get on the elliptical. I actually enjoy it. I don't have the bouncing problem that I have when I'm actually running. I can go much longer and harder on an elliptical than on a treadmill because it's not as hard on my joints. But the problem is, I don't have an elliptical and I'm so unmotivated to go to the gym by myself. I think once I get some confidence back I will head back to the gym. Start swimming again. But first, I need to get rid of my own obstacles to exercise. I think buying and elliptical is exactly what I need. I can think of 4 times in the past week alone where I was watching videos on my laptop or looking through a magazine where I thought, man I wish I had an elliptical in the house, I could be killing calories while I'm doing this. But I'd rather stay home. I don't want to take a shower to go to the gym and get all sweaty and take another one there. I don't want look through all my clothes for a semi decent gym outfit.
So, my strategy is to get rid of those obstacles. People don't want to go to the gym with me, I bring the gym to myself until I feel better about what I'm doing. Since I like the elliptical I know it will get a lot of use.
That said, the treadmill I bought is still a good thing. My partner uses it from time to time and maybe when I get smaller I'll feel more comfortable running on it. We'll see. Elliptical first!

Still Not Moving...

So, between stresses with work, family and especially with my partner, I'm failing at this weight-loss thing. It's especially sad for me because I really stuck to my stuff at first. I went to the gym several times a week. I kept my calories in check. What happened?

Typical view would say I over-did it and lost steam and this is completely my fault. But I don't believe its the truth.

I started out gung ho and positive and believing in myself. Then people canceled going to the gym with me. Then my partner would make a snotty comment about something I ate. That one is a kicker. I can eat ice-cream, popsicles, fudgicles, anything frozen, very easily in single serving sizes without over-doing it. I was able, for several weeks to have a treat like that, feel satisfied and stick to my dioet...I didn't cheat by forgetting to write things in. I built more calories in by working out too, so that was very cool.

But everytime I'd have one of those treats, my boyfriend would make some comment. "Forky, that's naughty." "Forky is eating dessert again." Yes, my boyfriend calls me "Forky". He'd never say exactly that he felt like I was messing up my diet. But I got so tired of saying to him, "I'm losing a steady one pound a week!" The treats at work started coming back in. He would stress me out in other ways, or I'd eat an extra meal with him because he wanted me to cook now that I was home.

Writing this now I see the unfairness of this relationship. He nearly broke up with me two days ago because he felt I was messing up his sleep schedule.

Right now, with these realizations, I'm angry with him for doing something like that to me (threaten the end of our relationship) when he killed a life long dream. I know I have a lot of fault in it. I must take responsibility. But he promised to go to the gym with me. He promised to eat healthier choices with me. I changed my eating schedule as much as I could to accomodate for when he wanted to eat. He won't accomodate his sleeping schedule to make time for me.

I want to wake him. But I can't. He'll bite my head off. So very sad about this odd revelation. I want to change it today.

What is wrong with me!

I vow to make today a new day and the start of kicking ass on this weightloss thing I wanted to do!

Couple things folks. TOTAL honesty here. I forget to write in foods lately on a regular basis. OR I add foods later because I'm forced, for one reason or another, to stay awake. So, I end up snacking. But none of that crap would matter as much if I just got my stupid ass to the gym!

I'm very tired today because I was up until 9 this morning. I'm somewhat doubting that getting to the gym is gonna happen.

Let me just say, I don't want to let anyone down, least of all myself. I want this for me. I'm not doing it, nor do I particularly want to do it, for anyone else. I want to feel confident no matter what I wear or do. So here's my renewal of vows. I stick with the calories on my counter. I do my absolute best to write in everything. I get to eat extra if I work out and the counter takes care of that problem for me. So here's to a new week, a new day, and a new (sorta) plan.

The Re-Start

So, I plan to move all my videos onto this blog page as a place to view them all at once. I've fallen off my bandwagon it seems. I really really want to lose weight though. I really really want to go to the gym and listen to my music or watch a movie, or swim. I WANT to do those things. I want to eat healthy and not have so much salt. I want a lot of things but the things I want most I'm having just a little trouble with.
I'm finding myself having to start over in the friendship arena again. I always hear about people that have to start over with a new boyfriend, a new girlfriend, whatever, but not best friends. That's not one you hear very often. I want someone to go to the gym with me. Someone I can curl up to with a movie and its not going to be some weird "you guys are lesbos" kinda thing. Ryan and I have settled into that kind of a pattern. I just really would like a girl that I can hang out with.
The sad thing is that I know a few, would love to see them and hang out but with some the relationship is still too new, and with others the relationship for some reason isn't as strong as I wish it was. I'm not sure why. I just know that every text message I send out to anyone of the female persuasion (unless they're family) has me biting my nails in anxiety. "Will they text back? Am I being too pushy? Do they find me interesting? Am I being clingy? Are they going to use me for my money? How can I make sure that doesn't happen?" It gets darker and darker in my thoughts. I just don't know what to do. How to find what I'm looking for? But, either way, I need to stop hiding out and just go back to the gym. So, tonight after work, I've got a date with an elliptical and/or pool.