Frozen.

We got back from another little jaunt on Phish Tour and hit up SuperBall IX. We drove all the way to New York. My salt intake when on the road is astronomical. I never allow myself any Doritos while at home but on vacation they become a free for all. I ate 14 servings over 4 days. We ate a little better than we have in the past, but all the drinks we had were calorie heavy (beer, capt. and coke, orange juice)and it was just hard for me to keep tab on the calories consumed. We're always walking and dancing on the festival days so I don't get why I gain so much. I always lose like 5 lbs in the first few days after getting home though. So, I'm not going to freak out or even post weight right now.
I am feeling a little frozen at the moment about what to do next. My problem is this: I've never been able to lose weight on any diet. The closest thing to a diet that I stuck to and was successful at was falling in love or breaking up with someone.
I looked a little closer at my behavior and eating habits during those times and this is what I have to say.
While I understand that "science" dictates that we must have at least 1200 calories a day to survive and be healthy and that dipping below this amount will make us go into "starvation mode" I'm beginning to not give a f*ck what "science" says. I've decided to go with what my body says. Not my brain. Not these stupid diets. Not my emotions or anything else.
What did I eat on a typical day where I was losing weight? What was my behavior? How did I feel?
I remember. The first time I lost a significant amount of weight my food intake on any given day was...no breakfast. bag of doritos and gushers for lunch, or no lunch, and a whopper jr and a salad or chicken, rice and veggies for dinner. I ate one serving of meat, 2-3 of veggies and 1 serving of carbs at dinner. I didn't snack, unless it was on an apple around 3pm when I got home from school.
The 2nd time I lost weight I remember one day under lock down where I ate nothing for breakfast, half an egg salad sandwich for lunch and a small dinner...perhaps no dinner at all. I had no appetite. I ate when my stomach really wanted food. I stopped eating when my stomach said, ok, I'm done complaining now. Sometimes I ignored my stomach completely. After about 30 min the growling and grumbling would stop.
There was a lot going on at these times in my life. Behaviorally I was too caught up in other things to care about food a whole lot. What I ate was in the back of my mind and the weightloss made me happy and motivated me to continue on with my habits. However, it didn't preoccupy my mind at any time other than dinner time. I only began to backslide when I'd start to think about food and weightloss and start obsessing over the scale. I'd get on like 3x a day. Possibly more. Eventually the mind set I had would go away. Either I'd become comfortable with a man and gain, or I'd heal from the pain of my break up with that man and begin to put weight on again.
I was happy the first time I lost weight. I had my first job and was always busy and moving and I had school from 8am until 3pm. Men began noticing me and I loved the attention. So eating and obsessing stepped away for awhile.
The 2nd time I was sad from losing my boyfriend. He broke up with me and I just didn't want to eat. I couldn't sleep. I was an absolute mess. I was always pacing then though, and again, food and the scale weren't my primary concerns. They were in the background and what was most important was trying to find a way back in with him.
I remember this odd "buzzy" feeling from those times. An energy that was in-containable and not unlike the feeling I get when I've had too much caffeine but haven't hit the sick stage yet. It was natural for much of it though. I used caffeine occasionally but not nearly as often as people think.
So the question is, how do I get to that point for me?
The second time isn't really doable. I can't have my boyfriend and I break up for the sake of weightloss. He's a big part of the reason I want to lose weight. So, I need to go back to the first time. I remember constantly thinking "Would Ed want a girl that ate that food?" "Would Mike want to be with a fat girl?" "Nope." So I would walk away from whatever food was tempting me. I would find something to do to distract me from food. I drew. I went for a walk. I hung out with friends. I designed clothing. I worked. I did homework. I talked to people on the phone and paced around. My schedule was also pretty regimented. I got up at 6:30am and went to bed between 11pm and 2am. I slept late on the weekends. I was typically busy from the time I woke up in the am until I went to bed at night.
I need to recapture this. I need to not care about food and the scale so much. I'll probably post more later. Right now I suddenly feel that I have a lot to do.