I spoke with my partner about how he made me feel and it seems this small step of empowerment helped with my motivation to start watching my diet again. I'm still not 100% perfect with my logging but I'm so much closer to 100% compliance that I've already lost 3 lbs. Mostly just water-weight I'm sure from all the salt and junk I was eating, but my back and hip feel much better.
I've also figured out a way to get myself back into my exercise habit. I'm going to suck it up and buy my own elliptical. I thought buying a treadmill for me and my partner was enough, but he's always working on homework and I don't want to make noise and run in front of him in his office where we keep the huge blasted machine. Everytime I go to the gym and don't hop in the pool I get on the elliptical. I actually enjoy it. I don't have the bouncing problem that I have when I'm actually running. I can go much longer and harder on an elliptical than on a treadmill because it's not as hard on my joints. But the problem is, I don't have an elliptical and I'm so unmotivated to go to the gym by myself. I think once I get some confidence back I will head back to the gym. Start swimming again. But first, I need to get rid of my own obstacles to exercise. I think buying and elliptical is exactly what I need. I can think of 4 times in the past week alone where I was watching videos on my laptop or looking through a magazine where I thought, man I wish I had an elliptical in the house, I could be killing calories while I'm doing this. But I'd rather stay home. I don't want to take a shower to go to the gym and get all sweaty and take another one there. I don't want look through all my clothes for a semi decent gym outfit.
So, my strategy is to get rid of those obstacles. People don't want to go to the gym with me, I bring the gym to myself until I feel better about what I'm doing. Since I like the elliptical I know it will get a lot of use.
That said, the treadmill I bought is still a good thing. My partner uses it from time to time and maybe when I get smaller I'll feel more comfortable running on it. We'll see. Elliptical first!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Still Not Moving...
So, between stresses with work, family and especially with my partner, I'm failing at this weight-loss thing. It's especially sad for me because I really stuck to my stuff at first. I went to the gym several times a week. I kept my calories in check. What happened?
Typical view would say I over-did it and lost steam and this is completely my fault. But I don't believe its the truth.
I started out gung ho and positive and believing in myself. Then people canceled going to the gym with me. Then my partner would make a snotty comment about something I ate. That one is a kicker. I can eat ice-cream, popsicles, fudgicles, anything frozen, very easily in single serving sizes without over-doing it. I was able, for several weeks to have a treat like that, feel satisfied and stick to my dioet...I didn't cheat by forgetting to write things in. I built more calories in by working out too, so that was very cool.
But everytime I'd have one of those treats, my boyfriend would make some comment. "Forky, that's naughty." "Forky is eating dessert again." Yes, my boyfriend calls me "Forky". He'd never say exactly that he felt like I was messing up my diet. But I got so tired of saying to him, "I'm losing a steady one pound a week!" The treats at work started coming back in. He would stress me out in other ways, or I'd eat an extra meal with him because he wanted me to cook now that I was home.
Writing this now I see the unfairness of this relationship. He nearly broke up with me two days ago because he felt I was messing up his sleep schedule.
Right now, with these realizations, I'm angry with him for doing something like that to me (threaten the end of our relationship) when he killed a life long dream. I know I have a lot of fault in it. I must take responsibility. But he promised to go to the gym with me. He promised to eat healthier choices with me. I changed my eating schedule as much as I could to accomodate for when he wanted to eat. He won't accomodate his sleeping schedule to make time for me.
I want to wake him. But I can't. He'll bite my head off. So very sad about this odd revelation. I want to change it today.
Typical view would say I over-did it and lost steam and this is completely my fault. But I don't believe its the truth.
I started out gung ho and positive and believing in myself. Then people canceled going to the gym with me. Then my partner would make a snotty comment about something I ate. That one is a kicker. I can eat ice-cream, popsicles, fudgicles, anything frozen, very easily in single serving sizes without over-doing it. I was able, for several weeks to have a treat like that, feel satisfied and stick to my dioet...I didn't cheat by forgetting to write things in. I built more calories in by working out too, so that was very cool.
But everytime I'd have one of those treats, my boyfriend would make some comment. "Forky, that's naughty." "Forky is eating dessert again." Yes, my boyfriend calls me "Forky". He'd never say exactly that he felt like I was messing up my diet. But I got so tired of saying to him, "I'm losing a steady one pound a week!" The treats at work started coming back in. He would stress me out in other ways, or I'd eat an extra meal with him because he wanted me to cook now that I was home.
Writing this now I see the unfairness of this relationship. He nearly broke up with me two days ago because he felt I was messing up his sleep schedule.
Right now, with these realizations, I'm angry with him for doing something like that to me (threaten the end of our relationship) when he killed a life long dream. I know I have a lot of fault in it. I must take responsibility. But he promised to go to the gym with me. He promised to eat healthier choices with me. I changed my eating schedule as much as I could to accomodate for when he wanted to eat. He won't accomodate his sleeping schedule to make time for me.
I want to wake him. But I can't. He'll bite my head off. So very sad about this odd revelation. I want to change it today.
Monday, April 18, 2011
What is wrong with me!
I vow to make today a new day and the start of kicking ass on this weightloss thing I wanted to do!
Couple things folks. TOTAL honesty here. I forget to write in foods lately on a regular basis. OR I add foods later because I'm forced, for one reason or another, to stay awake. So, I end up snacking. But none of that crap would matter as much if I just got my stupid ass to the gym!
I'm very tired today because I was up until 9 this morning. I'm somewhat doubting that getting to the gym is gonna happen.
Let me just say, I don't want to let anyone down, least of all myself. I want this for me. I'm not doing it, nor do I particularly want to do it, for anyone else. I want to feel confident no matter what I wear or do. So here's my renewal of vows. I stick with the calories on my counter. I do my absolute best to write in everything. I get to eat extra if I work out and the counter takes care of that problem for me. So here's to a new week, a new day, and a new (sorta) plan.
Couple things folks. TOTAL honesty here. I forget to write in foods lately on a regular basis. OR I add foods later because I'm forced, for one reason or another, to stay awake. So, I end up snacking. But none of that crap would matter as much if I just got my stupid ass to the gym!
I'm very tired today because I was up until 9 this morning. I'm somewhat doubting that getting to the gym is gonna happen.
Let me just say, I don't want to let anyone down, least of all myself. I want this for me. I'm not doing it, nor do I particularly want to do it, for anyone else. I want to feel confident no matter what I wear or do. So here's my renewal of vows. I stick with the calories on my counter. I do my absolute best to write in everything. I get to eat extra if I work out and the counter takes care of that problem for me. So here's to a new week, a new day, and a new (sorta) plan.
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Re-Start
So, I plan to move all my videos onto this blog page as a place to view them all at once. I've fallen off my bandwagon it seems. I really really want to lose weight though. I really really want to go to the gym and listen to my music or watch a movie, or swim. I WANT to do those things. I want to eat healthy and not have so much salt. I want a lot of things but the things I want most I'm having just a little trouble with.
I'm finding myself having to start over in the friendship arena again. I always hear about people that have to start over with a new boyfriend, a new girlfriend, whatever, but not best friends. That's not one you hear very often. I want someone to go to the gym with me. Someone I can curl up to with a movie and its not going to be some weird "you guys are lesbos" kinda thing. Ryan and I have settled into that kind of a pattern. I just really would like a girl that I can hang out with.
The sad thing is that I know a few, would love to see them and hang out but with some the relationship is still too new, and with others the relationship for some reason isn't as strong as I wish it was. I'm not sure why. I just know that every text message I send out to anyone of the female persuasion (unless they're family) has me biting my nails in anxiety. "Will they text back? Am I being too pushy? Do they find me interesting? Am I being clingy? Are they going to use me for my money? How can I make sure that doesn't happen?" It gets darker and darker in my thoughts. I just don't know what to do. How to find what I'm looking for? But, either way, I need to stop hiding out and just go back to the gym. So, tonight after work, I've got a date with an elliptical and/or pool.
I'm finding myself having to start over in the friendship arena again. I always hear about people that have to start over with a new boyfriend, a new girlfriend, whatever, but not best friends. That's not one you hear very often. I want someone to go to the gym with me. Someone I can curl up to with a movie and its not going to be some weird "you guys are lesbos" kinda thing. Ryan and I have settled into that kind of a pattern. I just really would like a girl that I can hang out with.
The sad thing is that I know a few, would love to see them and hang out but with some the relationship is still too new, and with others the relationship for some reason isn't as strong as I wish it was. I'm not sure why. I just know that every text message I send out to anyone of the female persuasion (unless they're family) has me biting my nails in anxiety. "Will they text back? Am I being too pushy? Do they find me interesting? Am I being clingy? Are they going to use me for my money? How can I make sure that doesn't happen?" It gets darker and darker in my thoughts. I just don't know what to do. How to find what I'm looking for? But, either way, I need to stop hiding out and just go back to the gym. So, tonight after work, I've got a date with an elliptical and/or pool.
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