My Goals Revisited.

On Friday, May 27, 2011 I posted a blog about my 2 Year Plan. It's almost 8 months later. This is where I am. And it's cooler than I thought!

Education:

My goal was to graduate in 2 years. As of right now, I'm still on schedule. One minor setback with my internship but I think I can work it out and not be in too much trouble. I am down to 1.5 years. And I'm totally ok with a slight extension if it's just to get that damn internship done.

Career:

Still working on what I want to do, but I am now exploring the idea of getting my Psy D. I'll have to think, long, hard, and deeply about this one. GAH!

Weight loss:

Kind of a failure here...yet not. My weight hasn't really gone up. It's fluctuated over the last year between 219 and 224 over and over again, typically in time to my cycles. So, meh...I haven't lost, but I haven't really gained. The truly odd thing is, that lately, my clothes are looser in some areas, and people that haven't seen me in awhile think I've lost weight. Which is crazy to me...but cool none-the-less.

Personal:

This area I'm never too sure of. It still hurts that Ryan won't say I love you. I've felt pretty far away from him for the last few months and wish he would talk to me about how he feels. He's apparently terrified of this though. But, our relationship is symbiotic...which is ok for now. We slowly but surely get better in some areas and lag behind in others. I hope we can pull it back together a little more nicely, but for now I am content(ish).

I honestly thought, when I read back through my blogs that this blog would be horrendously sad to revisit, but it wasn't. I have made progress in some areas, even if it has been small.

I will add one more goal this year:

Financial: I would like to be debt free (other than school loans) 1.5 years from now. It's gonna be rough but I have some faith in myself right now, believe it or not!

Well...now what?

After sticking to the slow carb diet for two weeks and seeing NO results (minus some water weight and headaches) I decided that it wasn't for me.
I think with most diets, people find themselves being successful because they were so out of control before they started the diet. I'm typically always in control. I feel that the few times I do lose control in a week should not be so detrimental that I stay where I am, slowly creeping up each year. I'm frustrated as hell. So I'm done with it. With the whole damn thing.
I'm returning to older habits. Not bad habits, necessarily, just old ones. I've come to the conclusion that its all bs. If I want to lose weight I need to change my mental attitude and I need to stop giving such a crap about what I'm eating. There is something to be said for eating when you're hungry and not when your just sad. There is something to be said for not giving food such a place of high importance in my life.
I recently finished reading the book, Nice Girls Finish Fat. It was an eye opener for me. I found myself in every chapter and I fully see the negative impact being kind has had on my life. Now I'm just angry. I'm so fucking angry. I'm disappointed in my friends and my partner. I'm irritated with some aspects of my family. I'm annoyed as hell with myself and the choices I've made. I just want to go hide somewhere for awhile. Not be around anyone. But, I have work and school obligations. I don't want to lose my friends even if I'm as annoyed as hell with some of them. I don't particularly want to be single (though that card seems to be playing itself out). Does someone have a hardwood floored closet I can stay in? Just me, my laptop and my dog? Maybe I mini fridge so I don't starve? Haha. I've been starving for a long time. Not for food, but for love and acknowledgement. Food became the replacement. And I attempted to control it and found myself having anxiety attacks over calorie counting.
So, like I said, I'm done. Done with this "healthy" crap. The number one fuck up for me is when I'm attempting to keep within my calorie range by eating food that I don't even really like and then having a meltdown and eating what I'm "not supposed to". Screw that. Food isn't supposed to be fun. It's fuel and nothing more. I'm apparently pretty damn lazy so I really don't need much. So, that's what I have to say. Since no one reads my stupid blog it doesn't matter what the hell I say anyway.

Day 1 of slow carb diet

Well, I did great until I got home. Ate 2 cups of watermelon. I didn't want to waste it and there was no room for it in the fridge. I can have as much fruit as I want on saturdays and when I get to my goal I can add fruit back in without too many issues. The diet isn't meant to be fun. Its meant to be effective and I will continue to remind myself of this. Totally not hungry today. Forced myself to eat dinner. Super tired, but it was a long day. Here's to starting fresh tomorrow...

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Am I a failure?

I've seen no weightloss. Nothing. But today I don't care that much. I just want to try again. Find something that works for me. Stop having this consume my whole life.
I tried cheat to lose. My aunt lost almost 30 lbs. I didn't lose anything. I just had headaches all the time from carb withdrawal. I had no energy. I missed eating fruit and never got the no fat thing down on high GI days.
Isn't the whole point to find something sustainable for me, long term?
School starts soon and I'm ordering a new book with my school books. It might be bullshit. It certainly sounds like it is. But nothing else works for me. I've calorie counted and been told I'm in starvation mode. I've upped my calories and thusly gained weight. I tried Jenny Craig, weightwatchers, excercising more, following the food pyramid, vegetarian, I can't even go on anymore with this crap.
So next book is the last book. After that, I'm just sticking to my "healthy" eating habits of lots of fruits and veggies, plenty of protein, limiting my refined carbs, and I'm going to do activities I enjoy, like swimming, and going for walks with my puppy. (I'm really looking forward to her getting big enough to actually complete a mile or two, she's only 12 weeks old!) After that, my body can be damned. I just dont understand. I'm smart. I'm reading labels and following directions. Either I have to go at 800 calories or something is seriously wrong. For now, I say fuck it. On with the rest of my life.

Tela!

My partner and I just adopted a 9 week old golden retriever. We named her Tela. That said, life with her has been interesting. She's gotten much more adventurous (sp?)and naughtier as she grows accustomed to us and learns the rules of the household. She's a good girl though and usually comes when called if she isn't feeling lazy. I haven't had as much time to hit the gym since we got her on friday. We were going around 5 days a week for the last month otherwise. Now I spend my time teaching her commands and how to play nicely when I'm not at work. My cheat to lose diet hasn't been going real great because my attempts at frugality and overly busy schedule means I'm eating on the run and eating things I technically shouldn't. But my aunt is 22lbs down and feeling pretty great. The low carb part of the diet leaves me with very nasty headaches. I'm annoyed with food. I could take it or leave it. Whatever. I'll get back on track. And once Tela is bigger she'll be getting nice long walks with me...
I have a new video. Just haven't posted yet. Stay tuned!

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week 2 of cheat to lose

So, it's been almost a full two weeks. I have one day left of the 2nd week of the priming phase of cheat to lose. The first week I had a headache for two days while I completely avoided carbs. The lack of carbs made me a little crazy. It was like PMS for the last few days. Then week two I added fruit back in. Super exciting for me. I continued avoiding most processed grain type things. One high fiber wrap a day. But it seemed like this adding in of one wrap had me breaking my resolve. And we wont even get into the pizza party mishap 3 days ago. Next week I add whole grain carbs back in while severely limiting fat intake. Should be interesting. I plan on eating whole wheat spaghetti all week. Haha.
So how'd the weight do? Well I started the diet at 224.6. By the end of the first week I was down to 220.0. So 4.6lb weightloss. But they warned me on week two the scale would creep back up a little but that i'd continue to lose inches and fat. My weight this morning is at 221.4. So i'm not panicing yet. The book warned me of this. I also have another secret weapon.
I've really been trying my best to stick to working out. This past week I went swimming 6 times, played tennis, went hiking, went for a walk, worked out on elliptical.
So there's my little update. I'll try to do a video someday soon.

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As usual...frustrated!

It's been a long annoying day at work. I've been reading my aunt's book called "The Cheat to Lose Diet" and I'm at once irritated and interested. The book explains an odd phenomena that I have experienced multiple times. Often when I'm sticking to my diet I see no result for several weeks and then I have a day where I eat terribly and suddenly my body drops 3-5lbs. This phenomena pisses me off and the book explains that it has to do with a hormone called leptin. Basically our bodies have an abundance of the hormone but like those who are insulin resistant, our bodies don't recognize it readily. The cheat to lose diet is supposed to re-tune our bodies to acknowledging and using this hormone. But I'm frustrated with this whole approach because I'm already looking at some recipes and knowing I won't be able to work them into my everyday diet easily. I also know that it's going to be annoying as hell doing the low carb phase...really any phase that doesn't allow me to eat fruit. I eat really healthy according to the food pyramid. My boyfriend says as much...but he also let me know that I eat A LOT. Which basically makes me go FUCK YOU to everything. I go from not wanting to eat anything to eating everything in sight, all because of emotions I'm trying to contain. I got so stressed out at work today that I ended up throwing up the little bullshit I did eat today. My weight isn't budging and my aunt says I need a shock to my system to kick start it into weight loss. This makes some sense, but why does my healthy-ish eating habits have to NOT help me.
I don't particularly want to do this diet, because I'm worried that the 3 week prep phase is going to be a waste of time and I don't want to waste 3 weeks. I also don't want to sit and count carbs and make out menus for myself that won't allow me the flexibility that I have with eating lots of fruit and snacky things as I run around like a moron at work. I can't even type right now. But there's your tiny update.