2015

I'm having a pretty tough time right now.  I know other people have it worse.  But this is just incredibly difficult to deal with.

I sincerely think my relationship is dying. I think my job is absolute bullshit and I fucking hate it. I think I made the wrong choice in my masters degree education. 
I can't get my eating under control.  I can't fucking sleep.  So losing weight looks fucking impossible. 

I need a vacation.  I can't fucking deal anymore. 

Post apocalypse

We're well into 2014. Actually were going into fall. We moved. Ryan left first back in April. I moved in June. Now it's August. I haven't really made any friends yet and my lifestyle changes haven't done much of anything.
Excuses, excuses. But I was really sad coming down here. 18 hours from everything I knew. But I finally got a job, with the company I wanted a job with most. But at pay below what I was hoping for. Ryan's income has more than doubled. He's growing up a lot and that makes me happy. We're doing the adult things. Setting up health insurance and 401k. But he has been gone a lot. Weeks at a time for work. This has been really hard. I was able to lose a few pounds but I'm still way over what I was hoping I'd lose by now.
I told Ryan I'm going more drastic. High school style weight loss. I don't care if its considered unhealthy. I know it works and I also know that the faster I lose, the more motivated I'll be and the easier it will be to exercise.
We go home in one month. So that's one month of 750 calories days. And I know Ryan will be on board with me for it. We've already discussed it. Theoretically I could be down 30 lbs in that amount of time. I just need to channel my angst and will power to do this. After two months I'll definitely be within the 40lbs he's requested for me to lose to get a ring on my finger. But that's another story. Lots of love and luck to me. Lol.

Change in plans

My goals that I wrote up seem so convoluted and confusing. i have no idea what I want. When I was working on my goals the last two years I knew what I was working towards. I'm in limbo right now. Completely frozen and every day is an emotional roller coaster. I think the easiest thing for me to do is blame it on the year 2013. What an awful year. And things that happened in that year still aren't working themselves out yet. In some ways, some things have worse. I guess I'm just going to vent and put it all down and see if it helps.

2013

In 2013 my grandpa died. My good friend broke up with her boyfriend. Her now exboyfriend's father committed suicide and his best friend died of cancer. There are numerous other deaths and endings of things that I'm aware of. Perhaps they didn't affect my life personally, but much like my boyfriend when the Packer's lose, it DID affect me. It made me really hate the world to watch these losses happen. I've never seen quite so many losses in one year. My friends Sam, June, and Stacie all had breakups. My friend Connie left her significant other of 6 years and some really horrific things happened to her that I won't mention in specific on my blog.

I had a period of time this summer where Ryan and I broke up. It was really hard. It was 9 days of god awful torture while I tried to figure out what I was going to do. Finally he asked me to come home. My aunt sought treatment for her eating problems and I don't think it has been very successful but the worst of it is our relationship had become very strained. I basically decided to stop caring at work and take as much time off as I could while maintaing my full time status. I began picking up more hours at the hospital I work at. I looked for work within the company that owns the hospital I work for and was told that I'm "not smiley enough, have inapporopriate hair color, and answer interview questions incorrectly" which has made me HATE the company I work for. I was also passed up for a promotion at my other job.

I graduated and now have student loans to deal with. The fact that I can't get a decent paying job with my bachelor's degree makes me insanely ticked off.

To end the year, my favorite local band broke up, one of my closest friends moved two hours away and I just feel like I'm going through the motions in every facet of my life. AH, and I now have a bonafide health problem that could mean that I can never have kids, whether I want them or not. And the thought of that kind of freaks me out. Almost as much as the thought of HAVING one right now.

And lastly, my boyfriend is seriousely considering moving us to Lafayette, LA, a 17 hour drive away from everyone and everything that I know. And I won't even have him around much of the time. He'll be on an oil rig site for months at a time.

This didn't help. Just want to cry now.

So much frustration.

I have done slightly better today with food at least I'm not a million calories over like  I usually am.  But I'm incredibly unhappy.  I'm unhappy that I haven't been making my weight loss a priority.  I'm unhappy with the situation I'm in at work.  I hate my full time job and my boss is driving me crazy.  Some of my staff are driving me crazy. And the staff I actually like are all leaving.  I can't find a job to save my life it seems but maybe I'm not trying hard enough.  Maybe I need to look at Affinity or Aurora.  Maybe being loyal to the companies I've given my time and effort to the last several years was a mistake.

I'm not 100% sure of what I want to do for my Masters Degree.  I had imagined myself for a long time as someone that would be a great Psychologist.   Getting my Psy D seemed the best option for me.  But while I love counseling people, I'm not sure I enjoy this line of work.  I have this image of myself that I want to get to.  Thin, professional, knows how to party but smart as a whip.  I really enjoy working at Thedacare and I can see myself moving up, being a business-woman working in healthcare in an administrative role.  I like the idea of working in the 222 building near where I live.  And Oshkosh has a degree that should help me move forward in that respect.  But will it?  I have a bachelor's degree and 5 years of experience and I can't get a full time job with Thedacare to save my life!  Maybe getting that Masters will do NOTHING.  Maybe I'll waste 3 more years and get nowhere.  And I'll have to start over working on a Masters in Psych or Social Work and I'll get a Psy D at 40 and have mountains of student debt and still never get hired or promoted.

What do these fucking companies want!?  What do I want!? And will I ever get there? 

MInd over matter.  If you want it you've got to work for it.  I've worked.  Hard.  But now it's time to work harder and get what I want.  No more pleasing these mother fuckers that waste my time, talents, and effort.  No more swallowing my feelings with chinese food and cake.  Bring on the drinks though.  A girl deserves a good beverage here and there.

#1 Fuck Up in the world!

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me lately.  I can't keep my eating under control or get myself to workout like I should.  Today I feel awful and huge.  I had a plan and I didn't stick with it.  I felt empty all day.  So I fucked up as usual.  I need to  get a handle on this.  I will get a handle on this. I swear on my life and all that is holy. 

Post 2 Year Goal Evaluation and New Goals for 2016

In May 2011 I wrote up a 2 year plan. I revisted the plan 8 months later in January 2012. It is now November 2013. So lets see where I am at with my plans. Once again I'm doing a breakdown of my 4 main areas of concern in my life.

Education

In May 2011 I did a breakdown of what it was going to take for me to graduate from UWO with a double major. At the time I didn't realize how much money I had already put into school and I would soon be running out of lending options. So some sacrifices had to be made to this goal. I put a loan on my car and borrowed money from my grandmother to finish on time. I decided to simply get my Bachelor of Science in Psychology because it was the fastest route to graduation for me due to my past emphasis on Psychology. I did pretty well my last two years. I had made it part of my goal to graduate with a 3.0 GPA. I was .1 point under my goal, but I was on the honor roll and well above the 3.0 range for while finishing my degree over the next two years. I've decided to call this goal successful. I have my Bachelor's. Regardless of what I did, the subjects of study I decided on will need post-graduate studies. I have a good chunk of a Bachelor of Human Services under my belt, and my degree is EXTREMELY well rounded. I think I did well, if not exactly how I had planned it to be.

Career

In May 2011 I expressed interest in either promotion at Agape or within Thedacare. The job market has not been particularly promising. Every application I have submitted for full-time work with Thedacare has been denied. Usually I'm told via notification that there are other applicants with stronger qualifications. It has made me extremely frustrated. I have also felt under-appreciated at Agape, but I love my clients and my staff for the most part. I have an interview for an Interim RCM position next Wednesday. Part of me is terrified. Part of me is really hopeful and excited. I'm doing some interview research using Social Work Questions and a background to begin to prepare. If I nail this and am hired, AND prove myself over the next few months I will have made my career goal, and I won't consider it late because it is within 2013 that this will happen and and this wasn't completely up to me as far as when the opportunity would arise within the companies I have established myself.

Weightloss and Fitness

This one was my biggest failure. But what else could I expect with the type of goals I put on myself in TWO YEARS! Most people don't push themselves as hard as I did. I worked full time, plus picked up hours at a part time job. I attended school full time and actually did VERY well with my GPA. It's not an excuse to me. It just wasn't my time to focus on this goal. So, my goal was to get down to 163 pounds. I was not yet sure at the time how I planned to get to where I wanted to be. Right now as things are progressing and getting a little crazy with work and financial issues, as well as my health problems (female in nature typically)I'm beginning to see a way out. But that I will talk about in the 2nd part of this post. So for now, I'm at, well I don't really know. Probably approx 225. I'm not over 227 or even my top weight of 230. But my goal is definitely not achieved. Perhaps I should just be happy that seeing those numbers doesn't break me everyday like it used to. It doesn't make me crazy and it doesn't define my worth anymore. It's just something I want.

Personal

I can't even tell you how happy I am with this one. I am NOT engaged. But he finally said "I love you." He tells me willingly, and on his own accord nearly every day, either verbally or by text. This was such a break through. I waited 4 years to hear those words. I guess I'm willing to wait a little longer for the other stuff. Especially because if he ever decided to make us "til death do we part" I want to be at my best physically AND emotionally. I think emotionally I'm there. But I want to look good for his proposal and our day, should it ever come. I think we both deserve that. I'm not being so quiet now about what my hope was or is. And he's definitely a difficult person at MANY times. But he is perfect for me. We will always have things we'll need to work on. As far as our house goes (technically his, but whatever) I did put in new flooring. I also put in new counter tops. The living room looks pretty freaking nice. And really who needs book shelves when I have a nook that I can sideload pretty much any book I want? I got us a bedroom set that I really like, but it could use a new mattress (paid 300 for the whole set. It's pretty!) I painted and decorated. But a house always needs things fixed. I wanted to set up an exercise room but have changed that to a basement "girl cave" for all my projects and things. It's about 1/3 of the way done. So, yeah....BOOM, I feel successful in this area too, especially because of one area I didn't focus on in this section. Friends. Family. I have fantastic, beautiful friends. I feel extremely established, happy and involved within my own part of the Appleton community. I have people that I absolutely love and they feel the same about me. We all help each other. And sometimes there is drama, but for the most part its a beautiful melding of my friends and family. Ryan is slowly integrating himself as well and actually being around for some of it. But we also feel pretty secure out on our own without each other, something I never really thought I could achieve. So, I'm happy. This part was more than I could have hoped for and so different from what I saw. I also have puppies. My Tela, 2 year old Golden Retriever and I now have a 16 week old german shep/lab mix that we dubbed Timber. It's AWESOME. Then of course in January of 2012 I tacked on another area.


Financial

Goal of being debt free minus my school loans. I'm closer than you'd think. Last credit card payment on my really big nasty card happened in October. My mom has a card that I don't know much about with my name on it. My credit score isn't great but I think it will be better at the end of of the next plan. I do owe my grandma and have a loan out on my car. I think though that those small issues will work out as I need them to be worked out. It's not something I need to focus on. I'll tell you in a minute my new focus. NOW....on to the 3 year plan. I'm picking this number arbitrarily. Most people do a 5 year plan, but I don't care. I decided to do a 2, so might as well finish it into 5 years now. So......

In 2016

Education

It's right now, Nov 2nd, 2013 and I am preparing to pay for and schedule and prepare for the GRE. With this, once I get my score, I will be submitting all materials for a Masters in Social Work program that is hosted by UWGB and UWO. I think I want to get the degree from UWGB just to change things up a little. I want all materials submitted by Mid December because applicatons close in January. I will have to look further into when I would start, but I'm guessing it will be at least 3 years of study. So 3 years from now I should be finishing it up. At least well into completing it. I had thought I wanted a Psy D, but after I never did my internship thing with my Psych professor, I decided that pursuing this Masters Degree would be nice. It would suit me and my need for variety. I'm a jack (jill) of all trades, and that's exactly what Social Work needs. I don't know a ton about Grad School, but I want to do well, get great grades, at least a 3.0 or above, and be involved somehow in some type of extra-curricular within Social Work.

Career

Well, I don't know. I think I'll be a caseworker. I think I might like to work with the elderly, disabled, and mentally ill. I don't really plan to work with children, but I will if it is necessary. It really interested me that Social Workers work for Thedacare. But I could also, perhaps, have the opportunity to do some type of Services Coordinator position, maybe not at Agape, but I think I'd like to get more involved with the lobbyists and health care reform. I'm not sure. I usually have so many projects going it's hard to say. Perhaps it's best if I hope and work towards these ideas, and focus on the education and really WORK, especially if (when!) I get my RCM position.

Weightloss and Fitness

I hope I'm not setting myself up somehow for failure by keeping this as the third spot. But I like continuity in writing. Since Career is kind of pre-destined right now (keep your fingers crossed!) I'm hoping that my one full-time job will take care of financial issues and I will then have more time to focus on making exercise a priority, I want to shoot for 5x a week, but a goal of 3x a week. I am going to start attending kettlebell class on Tuesdays and body flow on Thursday nights. Other days I will swim (more reward based, to relax rather than work out hard) or to do Zombies, Run!. I will still walk with my friends when weather makes it possible. I will work on Timber's leash skills which will also take walking. AND I will still be working on Tela's leash skills. I hope she will be along with me for Zombies, Run most times that I do it. I will start this workout regimen (we'll call it that I guess) on the Week of NOV 17. I'll continue tracking and being more accurate with calorie counting using a scale. I will minimze out to eat nights to focus on healthy cooking in the evenings. I will also plan when we're going to have treats. This needs to be sustainable, long term, life change. Exercise that I will enjoy. Foods that I like, and yet keep me full, healthy and in a caloric deficit. SO...not three years from now, but forever, I will be working on my healthy lifestyle skills. I'm setting a goal of 31 lbs by my birthday on 2014, but it's not really a goal. It's more a wish. But I don't really care as much as I used to. I care, I want it, but trying the way I have, and not really focusing on each component isn't getting me anywhere. I know its really just as simple as calories in/calories out. I don't have any major health problems or a thyroid issue (that I'm aware of). I have years of bad habits to overcome. It wasn't going to happen overnight. So 3 years from now, I will be at, or below my goal weight. I will have a body fat percentage between 20 and 25 %. I will happily be doing active things, like my classes, and walking and gardening and whatever else interests me. And I will have a really nice set of recipes for healthy but super tasty meals, as well as have learned when and how to integrate the naughty stuff occasionally, probably 1 to 2x a month for OTE, and maybe a weekly treat after working out or when stress has me in a bind. I won't eat for emotional support. That is what my friends and boyfriend are for, even if I think they can't or won't. They will. It is my own self-esteem issue and need to always please people that made me think they couldn't or wouldn't want to deal with me when I need to unload.

Personal

I want to be married. I really do. Like I want my wedding to be in October of 2016. I want to be engaged for 2 years before that, saving money and getting the details down. I'm afraid of changes in my circle of friends. I love everyone so much right now, how it is (even with the little issues) that I don't want people to move or change. I have, perhaps, an over-abundance right now (it is stressful sometimes) but these are the people I want there when Ryan and I finally tie the knot. I'm beginning to fantasize and plan for that day. Saving things on Pinterest. Thinking about bands. The band I wanted to play is planning to break up or go on hiatus "indefinitely". This made me cry. And yet it opened the door for me to mention to Ryan that that was what I wanted, and if he waits forever we may miss out on more things. Really, I think it made him think more deeply about where we are going. He hasn't really told me his plans though. Never the less,I'm hoping the band will be willing to reunite if only just for us. We've been avid followers and fans.

I no longer feel that I must have a best friend. I have many very close friends, people that I really feel connected to. So having one best friend doesn't even make sense anymore. Not even Ryan has that. I think in someways we are growing to be that person for each other. I demand intimacy, which he is slowly becoming more comfortable with. I also demand romance, which I'm trying to get him interested in again (some success so far).

I have my puppies and the next three projects over the next three years (aim for 2 out of 3) will be getting rid of the carpet in the spare, office, and master bedroom, along with painting the office (green?)updating the bathroom, and putting in a fence. Then the very necessary (but Ryan will need to deal with this one) getting our house up to code for electricity... Then there are the minor projects. Reupholster and paint the sunroom furniture. Fix Gazebo and put up curtains and make it comfy in there. Get my garden looking decent. I plan to have the "girl cave" done in the next month or so. I want to focus on my hobbies. Music, art, (art includes, sewing, home updating and decorating, drawing, jewelry, and whatever else I decide is a creative endeavor). I want to build a hobby or two with Ryan as well. Not sure what they will be. But something.

Financial

No loans or any credit card balances over 300.00/month EXCEPT, I will no doubt have a car loan for a new(er) car. I'd like this to happen in 2014 once I'm well established at work. Probably a 2010 or newer Rav4 or something VERY similar. Love that thing. We'll see what I can afford in a few months. I am getting tired of typing up this stuff, so for now, I'll post this and see what some people think. I'll no doubt do some tweaking a few months from now.

Freaking out!

I don't know what the f*** is wrong with me. I'm currently up to 229.8 pounds. This is way too close to 230 for comfort. I'm super pissed off. I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble keeping my eating under control. And I don't know where my exercise drive went. This has to stop! My goal was to get down under 200 pounds before I went to Phish this year. Time to brainstorm and get a handle on this.
1. I've been working a lot of hours
2. I've been sleeping less
3. Since I'm tired I think I'm eating more

Food issues
It is probably not coincidence that I'm up in weight and have been eating lots of salsa and chips.  Between the salt and the amount I'm eating I probably have some water weight going on. 
I ran out of my flavored water.
I've become bored with my shakes.
I tend to be over zealous with cheese. 
I'm not loving salads lately. 
I'm focusing too much on fruit and not enough on veggies.

Exercise
Being tired and working so much isn't giving me motivation to exercise. 

Mentality
I'm sad that my boyfriend and I might not work out. Even if we're ok right now, my talk with a counselor and talks with friends worry me and stress me out. 
I'm working a ton because I like money and need to pay my grandma back. 
Over doing it at work and not sleeping enough are sabotaging my small efforts. 
Lots of different foods right now. 
I may have screwed up my metabolism a bit when I left for 9 days. 

So, starting tomorrow I'm doing things differently.  Back to semester start habits.

1700 cals. Zombies, Run! Nearly every day. Or swim.  Exercise class 1 to 2 Times per Week.

I wish all this wasn't so damn hard.  :(

Whew! That was one long haul....

I did it! I graduated with my Bachelor's!  But I'd be lying if I didn't say that my health and fitness goals took quite the blow.  I'm up about 8lbs from where I was before school just kicked me in the groin and didn't let me stand back up again.  I tried, off and on each week, to get back into my running routine.  I miss it!  I really do! I never thought I'd say that in my entire life.

Currently, I'm murdering myself with work to pay off school, and I may be starting a new job soon.  I'm thinking with the new job, I may have better flexibility in my schedule to pick up hours for extra cash, while making time to focus on my goal of getting down to 163ish lbs.  I don't have a particular date set to getting there, but then, it's never worked for me in the past to put such a goal on myself.  I was actually really excited to see that for the first time in my life, I had set a goal, without thinking about it too deeply and didn't place a number on the end date.  My current goal is for the next 60 days I will:

1. Keep my calories within check, while focusing on eating more nutritious food
2. Workout daily, either walking, Zombies, Run, or swimming...attempting 13,000 steps per day per my fitbit counter
3. Drink 2-4 bottles of water
4. Get adequate sleep

But there is another thing weighing on me lately that I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle.  Many of my friends are quitting smoking.  I know I should too, but it's my one (very) bad vice.  I hope that my new job (keep your fingers crossed that I get it) will assist me in cutting back.  I would like it if I only used it on the occasional social situation, like my boyfriend does.  But I think I will focus more on that when that time comes.

For now, I'm reading a lot, books for fun, health magazines, crafting magazines, and having some fun with Pinterest.  I'm also exploring foods to be healthier and working on planting a garden.  My seedlings have taken off ok.  May buy a few plants to supplement. 

One last note, that I hope I don't get in trouble for, but no one reads this thing anyway.  I'm very worried about someone close to me and their health.  I know she is attempting to work on her issues with a therapist but I fear her physical health is really going to suffer.  I also hope she gets off the medication she is on.  She seems alien currently, and we are butting heads a lot.  Anyway, I guess my point is, I wish her well and hope she can get better before she really hurts herself.  I know I'm being vague.  But I have to be for now.  Wish me luck on the new phase (I know there are always a million of them).

Checking my tracking...

I noticed that I was eating fairly normal 200 to 400 calorie meals of things I really like (chinese food, my breakfast shakes, tacos, etc) when I began losing weight at the beginning of the semester.  I was logging fairly carefully and was full invested in my workouts.  I had a few snacks a day that were 100 to 300 calories.  I averaged between 1100 and 1300 calories per day (this is taking into account exercise).  I felt really good then.
I really need to get organized and get back on track.  I think I need some distance from a few people too. :(

Interesting day

I guess I just wanted to talk about how today went. Um, I went to school and decided that I didn't really feel like being at school so I left. And I took my dog to the dog park. I've been really stressed out about school. And I've been really stressed out about my relationship with Ryan.

I guess I'm just really frustrated. I'm working on my 2 year plan and it just seems to be taking forever and the funny thing is I'm nearly done with school. Actually I'm supposed to graduate this semester. So when I graduate that part of my 2 year plan will be done . Which brings me to the other parts of my 2 year plan that I'm working on.

I I need to get my finances in order. So soon I will be doing my exit counseling for my student loans and I have a lot to do before school is done. I need to take the GRE, get at least a 3.0 GPA , and then I need to attempt to get into grad school in Milwaukee.

If everything goes as planned I will start school again next spring. Now would be a good time for Ryan to propose however he's not ready. This is a very frustrating to me. I think it is affecting my eating. Lately I've been so busy I haven't had time to work out like I would want to. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything after my grandpa passed away a few weeks ago.

This past week I've done really well with making it to the gym up until today and yesterday, but I'm still not doing great with my eating habits. I've been doing better than I used to I think. I've only had 1 day where I went over 2000 calories. I walk a lot and I was really blessed to get  a fit bit from my co workers for my birthday. I really invested my money into getting good workout clothes and I've gotten several pairs of Barefoot Technology shoes. I'm currently bidding on another pair on eBay. I really love the pace glove shoes. And I've been keeping up with zombies run to a degree.

So, all in all things are going pretty well it could be worse. I just wish things would go a little faster right now. I wish Ryan was ready but then I'm not ready. I really want to be at my goal weight when he proposes. I'm going to keep working towards that and hopefully before summer hits I'll be much closer to where I want to be .

Phish tour shall be announced soon and when it is I would really like it if I could go on tour and be comfortable in the clothes I wear. I think it would be really exciting is Ryan family decides that he is going to propose at that point in time. As it is, his best friend is planning to propose to his boyfriend on tour.

Anyway I'll keep you all posted on what happens next and I will put up a new video soon. Have a great day!

Odd thought...

It always seems that when people talk about someone who's "lost a lot of weight" the story always comes second hand.

What I mean by this is, I, personally, have never witnessed someone be overweight and get down to goal.  Is this because I'm from Wisconsin? Maybe it's due to my choice to seclude myself often; I work my one job and attend school making few long term relationships. 

I'm not sure. It just seems odd that the people I know that have lost weight, did it away from me.  They weren't in my sight on a daily basis.

I want to BE that person.  The person that makes goal and people, my co-workers, boyfriend, family, etc, watch it happen. 

On another note....11+ miles on Zombie Run this week and I feel pretty awesome!

To continuing towards goal!

It's the starting of a brand new year....

So, it is now Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013. There was no Zombie Apocalypse, life has continued on as normal. SO, since we know we'll probably have some time before the next end-the-world scenario comes up, I'm back to focusing on that two year goal of mine...and this is gonna be a doozy. In an attempt to finish school and move on with my life, I will be taking 18 credits this semester, along with working full-time. I'm not looking forward to this, but I am looking forward to getting done.

 Ah hell, lets break it down into the four(?) areas I did last time and what my short term goal is to finish this thing up.

School:
 I'm taking 18 credits. It will be hell. It will also structure my time and keep me out of trouble. Then I graduate in May, hopefully with a 3.0 GPA. Then I'll take the next six months to put some cash aside, take the GRE and apply to Grad School. Wish me LOTS of luck... 

Finances:
I'm done with my student loans. Can't take any more out til I get into Graduate School, so I have to pay $3,600 for tuition and then pay about $400 for books, unless I can swing it with some older additions. To do this I've had to take a loan out on my car, and I took an additional loan out that will get paid back to me at the end of January. My plan is to do payments like I did last time, and use my tax return to blow a good chunk of tuition out. I've found that with my supplementary loans helping me, I've been able to afford to go to school and pay in installments. So, we're doing ok. I'm just going to work harder to budget using MINT.com and we'll continue down this nifty little path. 

Weightloss:
 I've been holding steady. Annoyingly. Agonizingly. Disappointingly. But, between school, my finances, and my very annoying, negative boyfriend, we're making another go of this. I will continue to use myfitnesspal and have added on Zombies! Run! 5K program. I'm currently only on day two, but this feels like something I can stick to. Perhaps this was the Zombie Apocalypse I was waiting for (life changing? Yes. Could be...)Beyond this, as a kickstart to a year of meeting my goals (13 is one of my fave numbers so better be now!) I'm doing a Suero Viv cleanse. My grandmother has given me the 3 days worth of Suero Viv, and when I'm done with this 3 day fasting exercise, I'm planning to buy some books on raw food and get back on that band-wagon. My friend Becca is doing a 60 day fast using Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead as her inspiration. Same basic principal with all of these. Suero Viv is just ready made for me to use and my grandmother has done very very well losing weight on it. I'm also going back to the gym after work with my co-worker starting Wednesday. Lastly, due to the extreme strain and stress of finances and school, I won't have time to sit and eat food. I'll literally be running from class to class and then to work every day. My days off will consist of some recovery and lots of studying. But I can just imagine myself in May, getting ready for graduation, and I'm a whole new person.

 Relationships:
 This last year, I have gained some truly great friends, and my life couldn't be more satisfying in this respect. My partner and I are doing well for all intents and purposes. I finally got a "love" statement out of him, and I'm doing fairly well with keeping up on housework and making progress in other "crafty" areas of my life. So I just hope that maybe after graduation, when I'm this "new" person, that then he'll give me that circular metal think I'm so hoping for. Also, here is to a year with more Phish shows and hopefully more musical presences in my life.

 ONWARD, HO!

215.8! But what's actually making me lose?

So, the last week has been really rough on me, but for the last two weeks, I've been taking the weightloss supplement Visi.  I noticed on Visi, during the first week that it was MUCH easier to stay within my calories on myfitnesspal.  But the second week, between, school, work, and my partner being extremely difficult, eating was no longer interesting to me.
I have another stressor as well eating at me.  I'm 10 days overdue for my "little friend" to visit.  Every test has been negative. But my mom said she went to her thinnest when she was pregnant with me...so that's a bit worrisome. 

216.2 and for FUN!

Not really a weightloss post, though I' down to 216.2 the last few days! This is just for fun and something I wanted to save. Read the following questions, imagining the scenes in your mind, and write down the FIRST thing that you visualize. Do not think about the questions excessively. 1. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with? Ryan, my partner. 2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it? Tela, my dog. 3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal? I pet her on the head. 4. You walk deeper into the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe its size. It's large, a victorian. 5. Is your dream house open, or surrounded by a fence? I initially thought it did, because I want a fence at my current house for Tela, but truly, I didn't imagine a fence around the house. 6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table. Describe what you see on and around the table. I saw my artwork, sketchbooks, with pencils and erasers. 7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of (ceramic, glass, paper, etc.)? I saw my favorite heavy blue ceramic cup, 8. What do you do with the cup? I pick it up. 9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it ? A stream. 10. How will you cross the water? At first I jump on the rocks, but then I wade in, and eventually have to swim for a short duration. Then walking back up onto shore. This has been a relational psychology test. The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows. 1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life. Ryan probably is the most important person in my life, which can be frustrating. 2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems. I think this is odd. Tela isn't very big,but she weighs 60lbs. I think this question doesn't quite work. This should be negative. I should have picked an animal I feared, but perhaps this just means that I don't fear my problems. 3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems (passive, aggressive). Ha! I patted her on the head. Maybe this means I embrace my problems, that I like them. This would make sense considering my choice of work and my relationship with Ryan. 4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems. The victorian is pretty big. Strange that I have such huge ambition to fix problems and yet embrace them. Again, probably a reflection of my career choice and partner choice. 5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence is more indicative of a closed personality. You'd prefer people to not drop by unannounced. No fence...not particularly surprising there. 6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers then you are generally unhappy. Is this true? Yes, I tend to be somewhat unhappy, but my art work doesn't make me unhappy. Perhaps it just is something I wish I did. 7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person from number 1. For example, Styrofoam, plastic, and paper are disposable; Styrofoam, paper, and glass (ceramics) are not durable; and metal and plastic are durable. Well I chose a ceramic mug. And often I feel that we may not be durable. However, it is a heavy mug that is very old. So perhaps it's more durable that normally percieved. 8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude toward the person in number 1. It is my favorite cup. LMAO. 9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire. It's a decent sized stream. But it's not like it's the ocean or anything. 10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life. I get completely wet....so must be pretty damn important!

Applications

It's been a bit since I've posted but I wanted to make a quick notation about apps I use on my Android.  I have the R2D2 Droid.  It's getting a bit dated but it's been a great little smart phone for me.

The first app I use everyday and it is the origin of my counter on this page.  It's called myfitnesspal.  I love the food and meal creation functions and it sets up a calorie count for you based on activity level.  It does have a few cons though.  I wish you could set a goal date on it.  I also feel that it's calorie counts for exercise are too generous.  This generosity means that according to the app you can eat more than what is necessary because you can "earn" calories from exercising.  It's more of a mental issue though.  But why make it harder? Lots of people on the site say you must "eat back your exercise" but I've read literature that says this makes weight loss harder and slower.  Calorie counting is difficult too because it's very easy to forget little "taste test bites". But I digress.  It's a handy tool in the least.

Another app I use is the countdown widgit.  Mine states as a title my starting weight to my goal weight and then I change my daily weight as I go.  This is where I keep my goal date since myfitnesspal doesn't have one.  I have 199 days left to goal.  My current title says 226-163 217.  It's a nice reminder when I open my phone to chart calories or check facebook.

I also use simple weightloss countdown.  It keeps a bar on my home screen that depicts how many pounds I have left to lose until I hit goal and how much I've currently lost.  Right now it says I've lost 9lbs and have 54 left to goal.

I have two final apps that I don't use like I'd like to, but, none-the-less they are pretty awesome. 

I downloaded an app called multi reps which runs off the 100 push ups premise.  You can do push ups, sit ups, chair bends, squats and add 4 additional exercises of your choosing.  I just use the initial four on the rare occasion I try to use it.  It has a great countdown function and tells you when to rest and also gradually increases your reps with each workout.  It also reminds you to work out with an alarm function. It was worth the $1.99 I paid for it.  I just use need to actually do it.

The last app I'm going to talk about today is p tracker.  This is for tracking your period.  Haha.  It's great because it helps give you an idea of when you might be getting bloated and tracks your emotions and other various health data.  It's colorful and pretty.  It could use some graphing functions.  I 've only been using it for 1 month so I have yet to see if it will adjust itself to my body's rhythms.  Here's hoping.

So...any cool apps you can't live without, oh non-existant readers?

Renewal

I'll be posting another blog shortly showcasing some of the apps I've been using or begun using on my Android device.  Here I just want to put a little blurb about how things are going.

I have to say...it's been a little crazy.  I recently found out that a close friend, a bit troubled in her life, has ended up in jail.  We're unsure when she is getting out.  I feel bad for her.  I hope she makes better life choices when she gets out.  I hope for the best for her.  I really do.

As for me, stresses with updating the house, money issues between Phish tour and my school aspirations have made things somewhat difficult.  Today though, I feel a bit of a humming rhythm to it all...I'm hoping it stays.  On a very personal note, physically, my monthly friend (whom only seems to visit every 2 months) has been hell.  Major back pain and nausea have derailed all exercise attempts this month.  I know it will get better.  Monday I plan to start "gyming it up" again.  I'm going to schedule in planned workouts, either classes, swimming or cardio and see where that takes me until I go to California. 

I have a new workout and diet buddy, and an old one.  Becca (not sure if I talked about her previously) is a co-worker and she is hoping to lose 40lbs this year.  I'm hoping to lose 57.  Scheduling with her has become harder recently.  She works like I did when I was her age.  Haha.  Danielle has been getting me pretty motivated lately.  She's training for the tough mudder! I think she may be crazy. Which is super awesome. f

As for weightloss...I've finally gone down a bit. Yay! Might do a video soon. This will be the year! Because I want it.

When?

When is my time going to come? You know. That time where everything works the way it should and I reach all my goals and everything seems perfect minus minor everyday issues. Those cute issues, like my partner and I bought each other the same present, or I forgot to take out the garbage. Right now, I'm irritated as hell about a couple of things. 1. I went nutso on my diet yesterday. Like totally lost control, didn't give a shit, lets see how much I can eat insane. I ate 2300+ calories. I refused to get on the scale this morning. This was probably a smart thing at least. 2. I have run out of money for school. So now I have to attempt to save up and do payments next semester. I'm going to have to drop a major to be able to finish in the next year, so I can go on for my Masters. Part of me is sad. I put all this effort into having a double major and now I won't be able to finish it. I'm told that, at a later date I could perhaps add that major back in...but I don't know what to do with that. I am excited about finishing faster, I just don't know if it will leave me with good enough grades to get into the school I want to go to in Milwaukee. 3. Everyone is getting engaged right now! Fucking everyone! I had this thought today. I am the type of girl that will stick by her man regardless of how infuriating, rude, or stupid he is, as long as there is still love. Which means, that I may be standing here a long time. And never walking down an aisle. I want him to know this: while I am a girl who will sit here and wait for you forever, you are killing me by never asking, and never saying I love you. Needless to say, it doesn't help issues. 4. I'm constantly getting insulted by people telling me in their own way that I am fat. Yet I also have people asking me if I've lost weight. WTF is going on! I had some fat dressing room attendant at walmart insist that I put a pair of small shorts back, even though they fit me, simply because they are "small". They don't fit me small....they fit like normal shorts. They're crappy walmart clothes, so of course sizing is crap. Sometimes an XL is way too big, sometimes it's way too small. I have also been informed that I look pregnant in my summer dresses. Thank you. Also, fuck you. What I don't get with number 4, is why these comments, while upsetting, aren't kicking my ass into gear to lose weight. What gives? That's what it took several years ago. Someone to insult my weight and eating habits until I cried and then I had no problem quitting the food obsession. So frustrating. I constantly vow to do better....but right now it's hard. Maybe if I can get my kitchen whipped back into shape, I will have an easier time preparing healthy things. I will also need to schedule in cardio time again...every night, for at least 30 minutes. Wish me luck with the bs.

I've been using my fitnesspal for quite awhile. Today, I wrote a letter to a friend i made on there because I was having major difficulty the last few weeks sticking to my guns with things. I am publishing it here so I don't lose it. Thanks for the message! I can't blame anyone but myself that I'm having so much trouble getting back into the swing I had a few weeks ago. My food pitfalls lately, are: 1. I've been pretty lonely. My partner has literally refused to cuddle or be intimate with me since he started working out everyday. He says he's tired and sore when he finally comes to bed. Which means I can't touch him. He gave me some attention last night, but only because I think, when I used a hypothetical situation, he realized I was gearing up to leave him. 2. I started another class and am taking stats. The only thing that gets me to stay at my computer and study is a bag of something carby and salty. Like doritos. Or sunchips. With these things in hand, I miraculously work through homework that frustrates the hell out of me. Then I'm bloated and over my calorie limit. 3. Due to number 1+2 I am not keeping a close track of my calorie intake. While I try to check in and keep track, when I get sad or need to focus on homework, I eat. Part of it is embarrassment now. Then, there are the exercise pitfalls: 1. Because of homework, my new class, and trying to complete a flooring project, I'm not doing cardio like I was when I was actually losing. I don't know how you do all the things you do. My job isn't totally sedentary. I have to go up and down stairs visiting all my clients. I help them cook, clean, shower, whatever. But scheduling has become a b*tch. Mon, Wed, Fri I get up at 7:15am. I'm at work doing internship hours by 8:30am, I leave at 12:30, drive home to let the mutt out, then I go to work from 1pm until 9pm. As soon as I get home, if Ryan is home, the demands start. "I'm hungry, the kitchen is a mess, I need laundry done..." So, while he works out, I cook dinner. After dinner, it's usually about 11:30pm and I'm getting tired. I try to do some homework, or fix whatever it is he was criticizing. It's usually well after midnight by the time I'm done trying to fix whatever it was. Then I try to relax and ask him to come to bed and he will ignore me, reading articles online (esp sports and Phish related stuff). Which stresses me out. Why are all those things more important? He says that is how he likes to relax. 2. So now, I find myself out in my garage smoking, because lets be honest, if I work out during that time, I'm never going to get to sleep. And if he suddenly decides to hug me, I don't want to be all sweaty. It's getting to a point of pure unadulterated anger at him. 3. So, what about Tues Thur and the weekend? Tues and Thursday I usually end up sleeping in too late because of utter exhaustion from the other 3 week days. When I finally get up around 11, it's to do homework and then go to class. Or skip class. Because maybe I can see a friend for a minute. Or maybe my uncle and I can get a headstart on the flooring in Ryan's house. When my uncle leaves, I'm pretty tired, but it's not the greatest workout ever. It's mostly just scraping flooring up with my arms. No really heavy lifting or cardio to it. Not yet anyway. The tile is heavy, but we aren't at that point yet. It's just one more thing to make me angry with Ryan. He refuses to help, physically or financially. He says it's my problem because I wanted to keep our dog after she ate the linoleum in the kitchen. I work every other weekend, but lately it's been every weekend.. I work from 1pm until 10:30pm. Sometimes, I can actually sneak a workout in! Great! 1x in the entire week, and I've already gone up in weight. Right now, this morning, I hopped on the scale and was back up to 220. I'm so frickin mad and frustrated and honestly, embarrassed i refuse to change it on here. I know part of it is just water weight. I did eat at least 2 servings of sunchips yesterday....probably more like 4, but I don't measure it, so it might as well be 6. Wow. This actually helped. Surprisingly. It's a new day, just like yesterday was. But I'm going to plan. My schedule is hellish, but I know what's coming and how hard this is going to be. That in and of itself should make it easier. I'm going to go home after this, actually prepare lunch and light dinner for while I'm at work, throw stuff in the crock pot, and I'm going to the FRIGGIN GYM at 9pm when I get done! Without Ryan! Eff HIM! Wish me luck, hun. Thanks for being a sounding board! And positive. And stunningly gorgeous inside and out!

Yay!

After many books, and many attempts I think I'm figuring this all out.  I'll tell ya in a bit!

Fear not...

I decreased my calories on myfitnesspal.  Its helping me stay on track with calories more.  But the scale seems stuck lately. So annoying.