Change in plans

My goals that I wrote up seem so convoluted and confusing. i have no idea what I want. When I was working on my goals the last two years I knew what I was working towards. I'm in limbo right now. Completely frozen and every day is an emotional roller coaster. I think the easiest thing for me to do is blame it on the year 2013. What an awful year. And things that happened in that year still aren't working themselves out yet. In some ways, some things have worse. I guess I'm just going to vent and put it all down and see if it helps.

2013

In 2013 my grandpa died. My good friend broke up with her boyfriend. Her now exboyfriend's father committed suicide and his best friend died of cancer. There are numerous other deaths and endings of things that I'm aware of. Perhaps they didn't affect my life personally, but much like my boyfriend when the Packer's lose, it DID affect me. It made me really hate the world to watch these losses happen. I've never seen quite so many losses in one year. My friends Sam, June, and Stacie all had breakups. My friend Connie left her significant other of 6 years and some really horrific things happened to her that I won't mention in specific on my blog.

I had a period of time this summer where Ryan and I broke up. It was really hard. It was 9 days of god awful torture while I tried to figure out what I was going to do. Finally he asked me to come home. My aunt sought treatment for her eating problems and I don't think it has been very successful but the worst of it is our relationship had become very strained. I basically decided to stop caring at work and take as much time off as I could while maintaing my full time status. I began picking up more hours at the hospital I work at. I looked for work within the company that owns the hospital I work for and was told that I'm "not smiley enough, have inapporopriate hair color, and answer interview questions incorrectly" which has made me HATE the company I work for. I was also passed up for a promotion at my other job.

I graduated and now have student loans to deal with. The fact that I can't get a decent paying job with my bachelor's degree makes me insanely ticked off.

To end the year, my favorite local band broke up, one of my closest friends moved two hours away and I just feel like I'm going through the motions in every facet of my life. AH, and I now have a bonafide health problem that could mean that I can never have kids, whether I want them or not. And the thought of that kind of freaks me out. Almost as much as the thought of HAVING one right now.

And lastly, my boyfriend is seriousely considering moving us to Lafayette, LA, a 17 hour drive away from everyone and everything that I know. And I won't even have him around much of the time. He'll be on an oil rig site for months at a time.

This didn't help. Just want to cry now.