Everything seems to irritate the hell out of me lately. I haven't been sticking to my diet lately as well as I'd like to. I haven't been posting to my calorie counter as regularly. Little things mess me up each day. I feel closer to my partner than ever before, most of the time. But, like most men, he finds himself perplexed by my emotions. When I complain about my weight he says, "Well, if you'd do exactly as I say, you'd lose weight." He never gives me any exact steps though. He says to work out more and eat less. The sad thing is that when I do try to work out more, he isn't there to talk to. I really crave a female companion to talk with while I walk or swim or whatever. I have my elliptical now, but it's been very warm in the house the last few days and I've been working more hours lately than is normal for me. I'm tired. I'm eating at the wrong times. I kinda stopped with my atkins breakfast shake thing because I got a little bored. Now I'm messed up again. I woke up this morning at a weight of 219.6. Not horrendously bad considering I was up to 222.2. I just always seem to lose sight of my goal at the most inopportune times.
I'm lonely I think. While I've made some decent friends, people have gotten a little busy again. The people I spend the most time with have been gone to a music festival the last 3 days, which is about how long I've been screwing up my diet and not exercising. It's also exactly how long it takes for me to somehow put back on weight that I lost over a day. This time, I don't think I'm at that point, which is good, I think. I think that I've caught myself a little earlier. But things are strange and I just want to cry today. I'm also extremely thirsty because it was VERY warm today. Got up to 91 for the first time this year. I feel sticky and nasty. Tired of course. Mostly lonely. I could text Sara and see if she wants to go for a walk but I don't want to bother her since she just got back. I could bother Liz. However, she's been kinda down lately too, and I'm not sure I can handle the stress. Though, it seems those situations are where I excel. Tomorrow's another day and a more typical one. I'll pack my food correctly again and go to the gym after work. I should try to figure out a cheat day. It seems like if I have one, it turns into 3 or more though. Some people just can't work well with them.
I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out calories when someone else cooks or if I get food somewhere and can't really measure what I'm getting. The worst is when a "serving" is 800+ calories, or a serving ends up being too small to fill me up somewhere fast like Taco Bell. I can sometimes get by making the "healthy" choice, but more often than not, I'm still hungry afterwards and I don't know how to fix that. I'll keep trying though. Wish me luck!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Goals: The Two Year Plan
While some of these goals I'm writing up here are not weightloss oriented, they all tie in to me becoming the person I want to be. I have a two year plan in mind and each goal will be broken down to reflect some timeline and sub-goals that I have. Each goal relates to a different area of my life that I constantly am working on and have not yet completed.
Education
I want to finish my bachelors degree in two years. I just did the math and this looks like it is completely do-able.
I have 35 credits left to complete, so to break it down:
Semester 1: Fall 2011 12 Credits (3 English 9 Human Services)
Semester 2: Spring 2012 12 Credits (12 Human Services)
Semester 3: Fall 2012 13 Credits (4 Human Anatomy, 3 Psych Stats, 6 Human Services)
Semester 4: Spring 2013 12 Credits (12 Human Services)
I want to meet up with my advisor to see if this will work at a two year plan. Semesters 2 and 3 may need a little tweaking and I need to double check that I can attend both online and in person for one semester because Human Anatomy must be taken in person. Unfortunate, but oh well.
Career
After I graduate, I'm hoping my experience at ThedaCare and at Agape as well as the internship I have to complete will open the door to a slightly more lucrative career. I'm not looking to be rich but 35,000 to 45,000 would be preferable, without the overtime I currently work to make about 32,000 a year between two jobs. I'm still not positive of what I want to do, and I may find that when I graduate I will need to either continue on and get my Masters Degree, or do some Tech College. I anticipate either moving up in Agape (not hugely likely) or taking on more skilled work with ThedaCare in their business offices here in Appleton. I have a bit of an interest in IT so I may look towards that, but I also could see myself doing other things.
However, part of me doesn't want to stay in healthcare. I just am not completely sure what else is out there with the type of background I have.
Weightloss and Fitness
I've written this so many times, in so many journals. It hurts sometimes to look back at them. But here it is again.
I want to get down to around 163lbs. This is below my High School weight and hopefully allow me to keep some curves. The big question has always been, "How will I get there?" I'm still figuring that out. I can say that I'm following my diet much more closely the last week and it hasn't been as difficult as it has been in the past. I'm down about 3 lbs from my high weight of this month of 222. I've drastically increased my exercise, and don't plan on stopping. I've gone swimming 3 times in the last 3 days and greatly enjoyed it. Day 2 I was very sore but day 3 I felt pretty damn good. I also have an app on my phone to work on strength and help me tone up. I skipped that workout yesterday due to extreme soreness, but I will start again today and hopefully make it to the gym again. If not, I have an elliptical and places to walk to for exercise. I'm taking the approach at this point of "every little bit counts" and I'm doing my best to stay at the calorie limits that my phone app makes for me. I've been doing well, but its a slow process and if I get myself off track it can set me behind for a very long time with how slow the process is. So, heres the plan to cover that:
Every week on my weigh in I will make a video that will go on youtube and I will highlight in that video where I'm losing steam and I will engage my audience to answer some questions. Specifically, I will talk about how my workouts are going, or not going, and I will talk about how my eating is going and not going and they will critique me. I know that some of my followers will comment and I think this will be tremedously helpful at keeping me on track.
I just hope Ryan continues to help by going to the gym with me.
Personal
My last goal is very personal. So pretend in a small voice that I say this: I hope that in two years, my partner will know what he wants from this and I will either have a firm commitment from him (cough, cough) or I will make the choice to leave and find what I really want. This one depends a lot on the two of us, not just me, so who knows how this one will go. But I'm excited about the prospect.
My last goal has a small amounnt to do with the "personal" goal. I'd like to work on the house my partner just bought. Put in new floors, set up some shelving in the Living Room. Get a new bedroom set. Set up our exercise room. It's a lot. The next two years are going to be NUTS! I'm excited about them though.
But for now, here's to the summer (an active one) and a vacation from thinking about some of these things (other than weightloss and personal, haha!)
Education
I want to finish my bachelors degree in two years. I just did the math and this looks like it is completely do-able.
I have 35 credits left to complete, so to break it down:
Semester 1: Fall 2011 12 Credits (3 English 9 Human Services)
Semester 2: Spring 2012 12 Credits (12 Human Services)
Semester 3: Fall 2012 13 Credits (4 Human Anatomy, 3 Psych Stats, 6 Human Services)
Semester 4: Spring 2013 12 Credits (12 Human Services)
I want to meet up with my advisor to see if this will work at a two year plan. Semesters 2 and 3 may need a little tweaking and I need to double check that I can attend both online and in person for one semester because Human Anatomy must be taken in person. Unfortunate, but oh well.
Career
After I graduate, I'm hoping my experience at ThedaCare and at Agape as well as the internship I have to complete will open the door to a slightly more lucrative career. I'm not looking to be rich but 35,000 to 45,000 would be preferable, without the overtime I currently work to make about 32,000 a year between two jobs. I'm still not positive of what I want to do, and I may find that when I graduate I will need to either continue on and get my Masters Degree, or do some Tech College. I anticipate either moving up in Agape (not hugely likely) or taking on more skilled work with ThedaCare in their business offices here in Appleton. I have a bit of an interest in IT so I may look towards that, but I also could see myself doing other things.
However, part of me doesn't want to stay in healthcare. I just am not completely sure what else is out there with the type of background I have.
Weightloss and Fitness
I've written this so many times, in so many journals. It hurts sometimes to look back at them. But here it is again.
I want to get down to around 163lbs. This is below my High School weight and hopefully allow me to keep some curves. The big question has always been, "How will I get there?" I'm still figuring that out. I can say that I'm following my diet much more closely the last week and it hasn't been as difficult as it has been in the past. I'm down about 3 lbs from my high weight of this month of 222. I've drastically increased my exercise, and don't plan on stopping. I've gone swimming 3 times in the last 3 days and greatly enjoyed it. Day 2 I was very sore but day 3 I felt pretty damn good. I also have an app on my phone to work on strength and help me tone up. I skipped that workout yesterday due to extreme soreness, but I will start again today and hopefully make it to the gym again. If not, I have an elliptical and places to walk to for exercise. I'm taking the approach at this point of "every little bit counts" and I'm doing my best to stay at the calorie limits that my phone app makes for me. I've been doing well, but its a slow process and if I get myself off track it can set me behind for a very long time with how slow the process is. So, heres the plan to cover that:
Every week on my weigh in I will make a video that will go on youtube and I will highlight in that video where I'm losing steam and I will engage my audience to answer some questions. Specifically, I will talk about how my workouts are going, or not going, and I will talk about how my eating is going and not going and they will critique me. I know that some of my followers will comment and I think this will be tremedously helpful at keeping me on track.
I just hope Ryan continues to help by going to the gym with me.
Personal
My last goal is very personal. So pretend in a small voice that I say this: I hope that in two years, my partner will know what he wants from this and I will either have a firm commitment from him (cough, cough) or I will make the choice to leave and find what I really want. This one depends a lot on the two of us, not just me, so who knows how this one will go. But I'm excited about the prospect.
My last goal has a small amounnt to do with the "personal" goal. I'd like to work on the house my partner just bought. Put in new floors, set up some shelving in the Living Room. Get a new bedroom set. Set up our exercise room. It's a lot. The next two years are going to be NUTS! I'm excited about them though.
But for now, here's to the summer (an active one) and a vacation from thinking about some of these things (other than weightloss and personal, haha!)
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Swimming
I've gone swimming the last two days at the pool. My legs are sore, I'm breathing heavily throughout most of my time in the pool, and I always come out red faced. My boyfriend informed me tonight that he doesn't want to go swimming because he feels that it's something children do: go play in the pool. He says he's going to the gym to lose weight, not act like a little kid. I'm so effing pissed I could break something. I slammed the door on my way in, partially out of anger, partially because I had my gym bag, a huge purse and the food we brought home for dinner on me and couldn't as easily shut the door. He informed me that I don't own this house and I can get out if I'm going to slam things. I feel like a fricken two year old for losing my temper, but he's so condescending about my weight and everything else I do to try and lose weight. He hates my vlog on youtube. He constantly goes on about how he only cares about fat and sodium and my calorie counting is stupid. I don't think I'm stupid. I think I'm predisposed to having a lower metabolism and I have poor eating habits, typically brought on by feeling unworthy or bored. Anyway, cheers to another day at the gym and sticking to my calories. Hoping to finish the rest of my workout shortly.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I don't know, anymore.
So, great start it seemed, but its been 10 days. I went out for my partner's birthday and somehow I'm at 222.2. I'm incredibly unhappy.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Quick Update
So far, so good...I've stuck to the diet part and stuck to the exercise part. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but it's also not as hard as I like to make it out to be.
Today is a little odd. I've been awake since 11:30am YESTERDAY. I won't get much sleep and I'm not sure how to count my calories for tomorrow. I decided to write in the snack I had at 2am as part of today's calories rather than yesterdays calories. I'm not sure how I'm going to get exercise in today, but Friday is one day away, and I'm doing another video with an update on my current weight. I don't think I'll have lost much, but I think it'll be at least a lb from the 218.2 I have posted on myfitnesspal. I think I could be trying just a tiny bit harder too, but maybe I should hold back just a little so I don't burn out like I did a month ago. Hope this whole bloody thing works. I want to be at my goal in like 6 months. 165 lbs in 6 months. That's a 53 lb weightloss. I think if I write enough and post enough and talk about this enough and continue seeking out activity, this should go well...please?
Today is a little odd. I've been awake since 11:30am YESTERDAY. I won't get much sleep and I'm not sure how to count my calories for tomorrow. I decided to write in the snack I had at 2am as part of today's calories rather than yesterdays calories. I'm not sure how I'm going to get exercise in today, but Friday is one day away, and I'm doing another video with an update on my current weight. I don't think I'll have lost much, but I think it'll be at least a lb from the 218.2 I have posted on myfitnesspal. I think I could be trying just a tiny bit harder too, but maybe I should hold back just a little so I don't burn out like I did a month ago. Hope this whole bloody thing works. I want to be at my goal in like 6 months. 165 lbs in 6 months. That's a 53 lb weightloss. I think if I write enough and post enough and talk about this enough and continue seeking out activity, this should go well...please?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Exercise and the NEW! Plan
My brain is FREAKING out! Their are a million things I want to do and a million ideas skimming through my head. I just bought two things that I plan to try for the next week.
1. Atkins Shakes - I'm hoping these will keep me semi-full because I want to use them for breakfast and for lunch, but I plan to incorporate lots of healthy snacks and plenty of fluids to keep me hydrated for the next week while I try them out.
2. FULLbars - I've heard these are amazing at keeping your stomach full. I'm not sure they're going to work but I just bought one box. I plan to use them in place of a shake on some days for lunch.
So the next thing I need to do is write up my actual meal plan. I want to make sure I'm getting enough nutrition for each day. I'm going to be working out at least 5 days a week.
I did great today with working out. I went on the elliptical for one 30 min show. I did 3 sets of pushups and 3 sets of situps. I helped move a rather heavy swing today. I also went for a walk with some friends up and down some hills. It's 3:20am right now and I still need to hammer out my menu and exercise plan. I have a vague idea of what I want to do, but I need to have a full plan written up to make sure I don't screw up my metabolism. I also want to make sure I don't get sick or get weak with all the exercise I'm planning to incorporate. Wish me luck.
1. Atkins Shakes - I'm hoping these will keep me semi-full because I want to use them for breakfast and for lunch, but I plan to incorporate lots of healthy snacks and plenty of fluids to keep me hydrated for the next week while I try them out.
2. FULLbars - I've heard these are amazing at keeping your stomach full. I'm not sure they're going to work but I just bought one box. I plan to use them in place of a shake on some days for lunch.
So the next thing I need to do is write up my actual meal plan. I want to make sure I'm getting enough nutrition for each day. I'm going to be working out at least 5 days a week.
I did great today with working out. I went on the elliptical for one 30 min show. I did 3 sets of pushups and 3 sets of situps. I helped move a rather heavy swing today. I also went for a walk with some friends up and down some hills. It's 3:20am right now and I still need to hammer out my menu and exercise plan. I have a vague idea of what I want to do, but I need to have a full plan written up to make sure I don't screw up my metabolism. I also want to make sure I don't get sick or get weak with all the exercise I'm planning to incorporate. Wish me luck.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Youtube videos
I posted a new video on youtube. It's been over a month since my last one and it kinda sucked putting it up, but, I have new motivation. I had a few messages and some new watchers and commentators that wanted to know what happened, where I disappeared to. So I gave the audience what they wanted. I am going to continue working out and doing what I'm supposed to to hit my goal by the end of the year. When I was first doing my videos, I actually stuck to my plans because I felt accountable...but I started pushing off video weigh ins and just kinda lost track of what I was doing with everything going on. Excuses, excuses. I'm getting back on track, and I think life will go much easier now that I feel inspired and have a new plan. Check it out if you like!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qecJfvmVPZM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qecJfvmVPZM
Friday, May 6, 2011
I got it!
I got it! I got my elliptical! And I set up the tv in the livingroom for some much needed zoning out while I get my workout(s) on. You might think I'm crazy but I can honestly see myself getting on that bugger before and after work! I've been fantasizing about it for weeks looking for one I can afford. It's here!
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