Renewal

I'll be posting another blog shortly showcasing some of the apps I've been using or begun using on my Android device.  Here I just want to put a little blurb about how things are going.

I have to say...it's been a little crazy.  I recently found out that a close friend, a bit troubled in her life, has ended up in jail.  We're unsure when she is getting out.  I feel bad for her.  I hope she makes better life choices when she gets out.  I hope for the best for her.  I really do.

As for me, stresses with updating the house, money issues between Phish tour and my school aspirations have made things somewhat difficult.  Today though, I feel a bit of a humming rhythm to it all...I'm hoping it stays.  On a very personal note, physically, my monthly friend (whom only seems to visit every 2 months) has been hell.  Major back pain and nausea have derailed all exercise attempts this month.  I know it will get better.  Monday I plan to start "gyming it up" again.  I'm going to schedule in planned workouts, either classes, swimming or cardio and see where that takes me until I go to California. 

I have a new workout and diet buddy, and an old one.  Becca (not sure if I talked about her previously) is a co-worker and she is hoping to lose 40lbs this year.  I'm hoping to lose 57.  Scheduling with her has become harder recently.  She works like I did when I was her age.  Haha.  Danielle has been getting me pretty motivated lately.  She's training for the tough mudder! I think she may be crazy. Which is super awesome. f

As for weightloss...I've finally gone down a bit. Yay! Might do a video soon. This will be the year! Because I want it.

When?

When is my time going to come? You know. That time where everything works the way it should and I reach all my goals and everything seems perfect minus minor everyday issues. Those cute issues, like my partner and I bought each other the same present, or I forgot to take out the garbage. Right now, I'm irritated as hell about a couple of things. 1. I went nutso on my diet yesterday. Like totally lost control, didn't give a shit, lets see how much I can eat insane. I ate 2300+ calories. I refused to get on the scale this morning. This was probably a smart thing at least. 2. I have run out of money for school. So now I have to attempt to save up and do payments next semester. I'm going to have to drop a major to be able to finish in the next year, so I can go on for my Masters. Part of me is sad. I put all this effort into having a double major and now I won't be able to finish it. I'm told that, at a later date I could perhaps add that major back in...but I don't know what to do with that. I am excited about finishing faster, I just don't know if it will leave me with good enough grades to get into the school I want to go to in Milwaukee. 3. Everyone is getting engaged right now! Fucking everyone! I had this thought today. I am the type of girl that will stick by her man regardless of how infuriating, rude, or stupid he is, as long as there is still love. Which means, that I may be standing here a long time. And never walking down an aisle. I want him to know this: while I am a girl who will sit here and wait for you forever, you are killing me by never asking, and never saying I love you. Needless to say, it doesn't help issues. 4. I'm constantly getting insulted by people telling me in their own way that I am fat. Yet I also have people asking me if I've lost weight. WTF is going on! I had some fat dressing room attendant at walmart insist that I put a pair of small shorts back, even though they fit me, simply because they are "small". They don't fit me small....they fit like normal shorts. They're crappy walmart clothes, so of course sizing is crap. Sometimes an XL is way too big, sometimes it's way too small. I have also been informed that I look pregnant in my summer dresses. Thank you. Also, fuck you. What I don't get with number 4, is why these comments, while upsetting, aren't kicking my ass into gear to lose weight. What gives? That's what it took several years ago. Someone to insult my weight and eating habits until I cried and then I had no problem quitting the food obsession. So frustrating. I constantly vow to do better....but right now it's hard. Maybe if I can get my kitchen whipped back into shape, I will have an easier time preparing healthy things. I will also need to schedule in cardio time again...every night, for at least 30 minutes. Wish me luck with the bs.

I've been using my fitnesspal for quite awhile. Today, I wrote a letter to a friend i made on there because I was having major difficulty the last few weeks sticking to my guns with things. I am publishing it here so I don't lose it. Thanks for the message! I can't blame anyone but myself that I'm having so much trouble getting back into the swing I had a few weeks ago. My food pitfalls lately, are: 1. I've been pretty lonely. My partner has literally refused to cuddle or be intimate with me since he started working out everyday. He says he's tired and sore when he finally comes to bed. Which means I can't touch him. He gave me some attention last night, but only because I think, when I used a hypothetical situation, he realized I was gearing up to leave him. 2. I started another class and am taking stats. The only thing that gets me to stay at my computer and study is a bag of something carby and salty. Like doritos. Or sunchips. With these things in hand, I miraculously work through homework that frustrates the hell out of me. Then I'm bloated and over my calorie limit. 3. Due to number 1+2 I am not keeping a close track of my calorie intake. While I try to check in and keep track, when I get sad or need to focus on homework, I eat. Part of it is embarrassment now. Then, there are the exercise pitfalls: 1. Because of homework, my new class, and trying to complete a flooring project, I'm not doing cardio like I was when I was actually losing. I don't know how you do all the things you do. My job isn't totally sedentary. I have to go up and down stairs visiting all my clients. I help them cook, clean, shower, whatever. But scheduling has become a b*tch. Mon, Wed, Fri I get up at 7:15am. I'm at work doing internship hours by 8:30am, I leave at 12:30, drive home to let the mutt out, then I go to work from 1pm until 9pm. As soon as I get home, if Ryan is home, the demands start. "I'm hungry, the kitchen is a mess, I need laundry done..." So, while he works out, I cook dinner. After dinner, it's usually about 11:30pm and I'm getting tired. I try to do some homework, or fix whatever it is he was criticizing. It's usually well after midnight by the time I'm done trying to fix whatever it was. Then I try to relax and ask him to come to bed and he will ignore me, reading articles online (esp sports and Phish related stuff). Which stresses me out. Why are all those things more important? He says that is how he likes to relax. 2. So now, I find myself out in my garage smoking, because lets be honest, if I work out during that time, I'm never going to get to sleep. And if he suddenly decides to hug me, I don't want to be all sweaty. It's getting to a point of pure unadulterated anger at him. 3. So, what about Tues Thur and the weekend? Tues and Thursday I usually end up sleeping in too late because of utter exhaustion from the other 3 week days. When I finally get up around 11, it's to do homework and then go to class. Or skip class. Because maybe I can see a friend for a minute. Or maybe my uncle and I can get a headstart on the flooring in Ryan's house. When my uncle leaves, I'm pretty tired, but it's not the greatest workout ever. It's mostly just scraping flooring up with my arms. No really heavy lifting or cardio to it. Not yet anyway. The tile is heavy, but we aren't at that point yet. It's just one more thing to make me angry with Ryan. He refuses to help, physically or financially. He says it's my problem because I wanted to keep our dog after she ate the linoleum in the kitchen. I work every other weekend, but lately it's been every weekend.. I work from 1pm until 10:30pm. Sometimes, I can actually sneak a workout in! Great! 1x in the entire week, and I've already gone up in weight. Right now, this morning, I hopped on the scale and was back up to 220. I'm so frickin mad and frustrated and honestly, embarrassed i refuse to change it on here. I know part of it is just water weight. I did eat at least 2 servings of sunchips yesterday....probably more like 4, but I don't measure it, so it might as well be 6. Wow. This actually helped. Surprisingly. It's a new day, just like yesterday was. But I'm going to plan. My schedule is hellish, but I know what's coming and how hard this is going to be. That in and of itself should make it easier. I'm going to go home after this, actually prepare lunch and light dinner for while I'm at work, throw stuff in the crock pot, and I'm going to the FRIGGIN GYM at 9pm when I get done! Without Ryan! Eff HIM! Wish me luck, hun. Thanks for being a sounding board! And positive. And stunningly gorgeous inside and out!

Yay!

After many books, and many attempts I think I'm figuring this all out.  I'll tell ya in a bit!

Fear not...

I decreased my calories on myfitnesspal.  Its helping me stay on track with calories more.  But the scale seems stuck lately. So annoying. 

New Year's and People

So, real quick Ryan and I are attempting to diet together. Kind of cool, kind of a nightmare, but whatev.
The main reason why I'm posting is I went to the gas station today and found myself in a pretty uncomfortable situation.  This guy came up to me and attempted to forge some fake high school level conversation...
"Hey girl, what's up, how's it going? Ya having a good night.
Me, being polite said hi and continued on my business.  I wanted one damn piece of laffy taffy.  Naughty? Yes.  Only 25 cents and 80 calories.  So effing sue me.
When I walked up to the register he was standing in front of me with another guy and a very trim girl.  He then makes a big point to talk to me...
"You're just buying one piece of laffy taffy?" Turns to his friend.  "She's buying one piece of laffy taffy.  That's all." Some stupid knowing smirk and he goes on. "That stuff is terrible for you.  That's all your buying? It's good stuff though, right?"

I tried to ignore him.  He finally left and the store manager, who knows me by name asked me if I knew them.  I didn't.  He apologized for their rudeness.  He said he hopes they weren't bothering me too much.

So why did this happen?  Am I so heavy that this guy felt the need to make me uncomfortable?  Was it just random, and has nothing to do with me personally? I don't know right now.

All I know is my boyfriend called me naughty and said that the taffy "adds up".  So now I'm trying to keep my bulimic tendencies at bay.  Super fun.

My Goals Revisited.

On Friday, May 27, 2011 I posted a blog about my 2 Year Plan. It's almost 8 months later. This is where I am. And it's cooler than I thought!

Education:

My goal was to graduate in 2 years. As of right now, I'm still on schedule. One minor setback with my internship but I think I can work it out and not be in too much trouble. I am down to 1.5 years. And I'm totally ok with a slight extension if it's just to get that damn internship done.

Career:

Still working on what I want to do, but I am now exploring the idea of getting my Psy D. I'll have to think, long, hard, and deeply about this one. GAH!

Weight loss:

Kind of a failure here...yet not. My weight hasn't really gone up. It's fluctuated over the last year between 219 and 224 over and over again, typically in time to my cycles. So, meh...I haven't lost, but I haven't really gained. The truly odd thing is, that lately, my clothes are looser in some areas, and people that haven't seen me in awhile think I've lost weight. Which is crazy to me...but cool none-the-less.

Personal:

This area I'm never too sure of. It still hurts that Ryan won't say I love you. I've felt pretty far away from him for the last few months and wish he would talk to me about how he feels. He's apparently terrified of this though. But, our relationship is symbiotic...which is ok for now. We slowly but surely get better in some areas and lag behind in others. I hope we can pull it back together a little more nicely, but for now I am content(ish).

I honestly thought, when I read back through my blogs that this blog would be horrendously sad to revisit, but it wasn't. I have made progress in some areas, even if it has been small.

I will add one more goal this year:

Financial: I would like to be debt free (other than school loans) 1.5 years from now. It's gonna be rough but I have some faith in myself right now, believe it or not!