215.8! But what's actually making me lose?

So, the last week has been really rough on me, but for the last two weeks, I've been taking the weightloss supplement Visi.  I noticed on Visi, during the first week that it was MUCH easier to stay within my calories on myfitnesspal.  But the second week, between, school, work, and my partner being extremely difficult, eating was no longer interesting to me.
I have another stressor as well eating at me.  I'm 10 days overdue for my "little friend" to visit.  Every test has been negative. But my mom said she went to her thinnest when she was pregnant with me...so that's a bit worrisome. 

216.2 and for FUN!

Not really a weightloss post, though I' down to 216.2 the last few days! This is just for fun and something I wanted to save. Read the following questions, imagining the scenes in your mind, and write down the FIRST thing that you visualize. Do not think about the questions excessively. 1. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with? Ryan, my partner. 2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it? Tela, my dog. 3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal? I pet her on the head. 4. You walk deeper into the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe its size. It's large, a victorian. 5. Is your dream house open, or surrounded by a fence? I initially thought it did, because I want a fence at my current house for Tela, but truly, I didn't imagine a fence around the house. 6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table. Describe what you see on and around the table. I saw my artwork, sketchbooks, with pencils and erasers. 7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of (ceramic, glass, paper, etc.)? I saw my favorite heavy blue ceramic cup, 8. What do you do with the cup? I pick it up. 9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it ? A stream. 10. How will you cross the water? At first I jump on the rocks, but then I wade in, and eventually have to swim for a short duration. Then walking back up onto shore. This has been a relational psychology test. The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows. 1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life. Ryan probably is the most important person in my life, which can be frustrating. 2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems. I think this is odd. Tela isn't very big,but she weighs 60lbs. I think this question doesn't quite work. This should be negative. I should have picked an animal I feared, but perhaps this just means that I don't fear my problems. 3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems (passive, aggressive). Ha! I patted her on the head. Maybe this means I embrace my problems, that I like them. This would make sense considering my choice of work and my relationship with Ryan. 4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems. The victorian is pretty big. Strange that I have such huge ambition to fix problems and yet embrace them. Again, probably a reflection of my career choice and partner choice. 5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence is more indicative of a closed personality. You'd prefer people to not drop by unannounced. No fence...not particularly surprising there. 6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers then you are generally unhappy. Is this true? Yes, I tend to be somewhat unhappy, but my art work doesn't make me unhappy. Perhaps it just is something I wish I did. 7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person from number 1. For example, Styrofoam, plastic, and paper are disposable; Styrofoam, paper, and glass (ceramics) are not durable; and metal and plastic are durable. Well I chose a ceramic mug. And often I feel that we may not be durable. However, it is a heavy mug that is very old. So perhaps it's more durable that normally percieved. 8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude toward the person in number 1. It is my favorite cup. LMAO. 9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire. It's a decent sized stream. But it's not like it's the ocean or anything. 10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life. I get completely wet....so must be pretty damn important!

Applications

It's been a bit since I've posted but I wanted to make a quick notation about apps I use on my Android.  I have the R2D2 Droid.  It's getting a bit dated but it's been a great little smart phone for me.

The first app I use everyday and it is the origin of my counter on this page.  It's called myfitnesspal.  I love the food and meal creation functions and it sets up a calorie count for you based on activity level.  It does have a few cons though.  I wish you could set a goal date on it.  I also feel that it's calorie counts for exercise are too generous.  This generosity means that according to the app you can eat more than what is necessary because you can "earn" calories from exercising.  It's more of a mental issue though.  But why make it harder? Lots of people on the site say you must "eat back your exercise" but I've read literature that says this makes weight loss harder and slower.  Calorie counting is difficult too because it's very easy to forget little "taste test bites". But I digress.  It's a handy tool in the least.

Another app I use is the countdown widgit.  Mine states as a title my starting weight to my goal weight and then I change my daily weight as I go.  This is where I keep my goal date since myfitnesspal doesn't have one.  I have 199 days left to goal.  My current title says 226-163 217.  It's a nice reminder when I open my phone to chart calories or check facebook.

I also use simple weightloss countdown.  It keeps a bar on my home screen that depicts how many pounds I have left to lose until I hit goal and how much I've currently lost.  Right now it says I've lost 9lbs and have 54 left to goal.

I have two final apps that I don't use like I'd like to, but, none-the-less they are pretty awesome. 

I downloaded an app called multi reps which runs off the 100 push ups premise.  You can do push ups, sit ups, chair bends, squats and add 4 additional exercises of your choosing.  I just use the initial four on the rare occasion I try to use it.  It has a great countdown function and tells you when to rest and also gradually increases your reps with each workout.  It also reminds you to work out with an alarm function. It was worth the $1.99 I paid for it.  I just use need to actually do it.

The last app I'm going to talk about today is p tracker.  This is for tracking your period.  Haha.  It's great because it helps give you an idea of when you might be getting bloated and tracks your emotions and other various health data.  It's colorful and pretty.  It could use some graphing functions.  I 've only been using it for 1 month so I have yet to see if it will adjust itself to my body's rhythms.  Here's hoping.

So...any cool apps you can't live without, oh non-existant readers?

Renewal

I'll be posting another blog shortly showcasing some of the apps I've been using or begun using on my Android device.  Here I just want to put a little blurb about how things are going.

I have to say...it's been a little crazy.  I recently found out that a close friend, a bit troubled in her life, has ended up in jail.  We're unsure when she is getting out.  I feel bad for her.  I hope she makes better life choices when she gets out.  I hope for the best for her.  I really do.

As for me, stresses with updating the house, money issues between Phish tour and my school aspirations have made things somewhat difficult.  Today though, I feel a bit of a humming rhythm to it all...I'm hoping it stays.  On a very personal note, physically, my monthly friend (whom only seems to visit every 2 months) has been hell.  Major back pain and nausea have derailed all exercise attempts this month.  I know it will get better.  Monday I plan to start "gyming it up" again.  I'm going to schedule in planned workouts, either classes, swimming or cardio and see where that takes me until I go to California. 

I have a new workout and diet buddy, and an old one.  Becca (not sure if I talked about her previously) is a co-worker and she is hoping to lose 40lbs this year.  I'm hoping to lose 57.  Scheduling with her has become harder recently.  She works like I did when I was her age.  Haha.  Danielle has been getting me pretty motivated lately.  She's training for the tough mudder! I think she may be crazy. Which is super awesome. f

As for weightloss...I've finally gone down a bit. Yay! Might do a video soon. This will be the year! Because I want it.

When?

When is my time going to come? You know. That time where everything works the way it should and I reach all my goals and everything seems perfect minus minor everyday issues. Those cute issues, like my partner and I bought each other the same present, or I forgot to take out the garbage. Right now, I'm irritated as hell about a couple of things. 1. I went nutso on my diet yesterday. Like totally lost control, didn't give a shit, lets see how much I can eat insane. I ate 2300+ calories. I refused to get on the scale this morning. This was probably a smart thing at least. 2. I have run out of money for school. So now I have to attempt to save up and do payments next semester. I'm going to have to drop a major to be able to finish in the next year, so I can go on for my Masters. Part of me is sad. I put all this effort into having a double major and now I won't be able to finish it. I'm told that, at a later date I could perhaps add that major back in...but I don't know what to do with that. I am excited about finishing faster, I just don't know if it will leave me with good enough grades to get into the school I want to go to in Milwaukee. 3. Everyone is getting engaged right now! Fucking everyone! I had this thought today. I am the type of girl that will stick by her man regardless of how infuriating, rude, or stupid he is, as long as there is still love. Which means, that I may be standing here a long time. And never walking down an aisle. I want him to know this: while I am a girl who will sit here and wait for you forever, you are killing me by never asking, and never saying I love you. Needless to say, it doesn't help issues. 4. I'm constantly getting insulted by people telling me in their own way that I am fat. Yet I also have people asking me if I've lost weight. WTF is going on! I had some fat dressing room attendant at walmart insist that I put a pair of small shorts back, even though they fit me, simply because they are "small". They don't fit me small....they fit like normal shorts. They're crappy walmart clothes, so of course sizing is crap. Sometimes an XL is way too big, sometimes it's way too small. I have also been informed that I look pregnant in my summer dresses. Thank you. Also, fuck you. What I don't get with number 4, is why these comments, while upsetting, aren't kicking my ass into gear to lose weight. What gives? That's what it took several years ago. Someone to insult my weight and eating habits until I cried and then I had no problem quitting the food obsession. So frustrating. I constantly vow to do better....but right now it's hard. Maybe if I can get my kitchen whipped back into shape, I will have an easier time preparing healthy things. I will also need to schedule in cardio time again...every night, for at least 30 minutes. Wish me luck with the bs.

I've been using my fitnesspal for quite awhile. Today, I wrote a letter to a friend i made on there because I was having major difficulty the last few weeks sticking to my guns with things. I am publishing it here so I don't lose it. Thanks for the message! I can't blame anyone but myself that I'm having so much trouble getting back into the swing I had a few weeks ago. My food pitfalls lately, are: 1. I've been pretty lonely. My partner has literally refused to cuddle or be intimate with me since he started working out everyday. He says he's tired and sore when he finally comes to bed. Which means I can't touch him. He gave me some attention last night, but only because I think, when I used a hypothetical situation, he realized I was gearing up to leave him. 2. I started another class and am taking stats. The only thing that gets me to stay at my computer and study is a bag of something carby and salty. Like doritos. Or sunchips. With these things in hand, I miraculously work through homework that frustrates the hell out of me. Then I'm bloated and over my calorie limit. 3. Due to number 1+2 I am not keeping a close track of my calorie intake. While I try to check in and keep track, when I get sad or need to focus on homework, I eat. Part of it is embarrassment now. Then, there are the exercise pitfalls: 1. Because of homework, my new class, and trying to complete a flooring project, I'm not doing cardio like I was when I was actually losing. I don't know how you do all the things you do. My job isn't totally sedentary. I have to go up and down stairs visiting all my clients. I help them cook, clean, shower, whatever. But scheduling has become a b*tch. Mon, Wed, Fri I get up at 7:15am. I'm at work doing internship hours by 8:30am, I leave at 12:30, drive home to let the mutt out, then I go to work from 1pm until 9pm. As soon as I get home, if Ryan is home, the demands start. "I'm hungry, the kitchen is a mess, I need laundry done..." So, while he works out, I cook dinner. After dinner, it's usually about 11:30pm and I'm getting tired. I try to do some homework, or fix whatever it is he was criticizing. It's usually well after midnight by the time I'm done trying to fix whatever it was. Then I try to relax and ask him to come to bed and he will ignore me, reading articles online (esp sports and Phish related stuff). Which stresses me out. Why are all those things more important? He says that is how he likes to relax. 2. So now, I find myself out in my garage smoking, because lets be honest, if I work out during that time, I'm never going to get to sleep. And if he suddenly decides to hug me, I don't want to be all sweaty. It's getting to a point of pure unadulterated anger at him. 3. So, what about Tues Thur and the weekend? Tues and Thursday I usually end up sleeping in too late because of utter exhaustion from the other 3 week days. When I finally get up around 11, it's to do homework and then go to class. Or skip class. Because maybe I can see a friend for a minute. Or maybe my uncle and I can get a headstart on the flooring in Ryan's house. When my uncle leaves, I'm pretty tired, but it's not the greatest workout ever. It's mostly just scraping flooring up with my arms. No really heavy lifting or cardio to it. Not yet anyway. The tile is heavy, but we aren't at that point yet. It's just one more thing to make me angry with Ryan. He refuses to help, physically or financially. He says it's my problem because I wanted to keep our dog after she ate the linoleum in the kitchen. I work every other weekend, but lately it's been every weekend.. I work from 1pm until 10:30pm. Sometimes, I can actually sneak a workout in! Great! 1x in the entire week, and I've already gone up in weight. Right now, this morning, I hopped on the scale and was back up to 220. I'm so frickin mad and frustrated and honestly, embarrassed i refuse to change it on here. I know part of it is just water weight. I did eat at least 2 servings of sunchips yesterday....probably more like 4, but I don't measure it, so it might as well be 6. Wow. This actually helped. Surprisingly. It's a new day, just like yesterday was. But I'm going to plan. My schedule is hellish, but I know what's coming and how hard this is going to be. That in and of itself should make it easier. I'm going to go home after this, actually prepare lunch and light dinner for while I'm at work, throw stuff in the crock pot, and I'm going to the FRIGGIN GYM at 9pm when I get done! Without Ryan! Eff HIM! Wish me luck, hun. Thanks for being a sounding board! And positive. And stunningly gorgeous inside and out!

Yay!

After many books, and many attempts I think I'm figuring this all out.  I'll tell ya in a bit!

Fear not...

I decreased my calories on myfitnesspal.  Its helping me stay on track with calories more.  But the scale seems stuck lately. So annoying. 

New Year's and People

So, real quick Ryan and I are attempting to diet together. Kind of cool, kind of a nightmare, but whatev.
The main reason why I'm posting is I went to the gas station today and found myself in a pretty uncomfortable situation.  This guy came up to me and attempted to forge some fake high school level conversation...
"Hey girl, what's up, how's it going? Ya having a good night.
Me, being polite said hi and continued on my business.  I wanted one damn piece of laffy taffy.  Naughty? Yes.  Only 25 cents and 80 calories.  So effing sue me.
When I walked up to the register he was standing in front of me with another guy and a very trim girl.  He then makes a big point to talk to me...
"You're just buying one piece of laffy taffy?" Turns to his friend.  "She's buying one piece of laffy taffy.  That's all." Some stupid knowing smirk and he goes on. "That stuff is terrible for you.  That's all your buying? It's good stuff though, right?"

I tried to ignore him.  He finally left and the store manager, who knows me by name asked me if I knew them.  I didn't.  He apologized for their rudeness.  He said he hopes they weren't bothering me too much.

So why did this happen?  Am I so heavy that this guy felt the need to make me uncomfortable?  Was it just random, and has nothing to do with me personally? I don't know right now.

All I know is my boyfriend called me naughty and said that the taffy "adds up".  So now I'm trying to keep my bulimic tendencies at bay.  Super fun.